So, I've come to the conclusion that no matter how social I've become, how "cool" of I guy I get, and no matter how much effort I make (or try not to make) I will never be part of the crowd or group. All through high school I was the loner. I was in that weird place where I wasn't un-cool or someone people didn't like, but I wasn't cool enough to be included in the various clicks either. So I sat in between the many groups of people and was always left on my own in the end. Alone at lunch. Alone at recess. Alone on the weekends. Just always alone. People would talk to me or hang out with me now and then. And if I were on the verge of making a regular friend, it didn't last long before I was left alone again. I was always just more of an acquaintance for people than a friend.
Often times people say I should have been more outgoing or that some how I was choosing to be a loner. But you tell me, what teenager in high school WANTS or CHOOSES to be alone with no real friends, to not be a part of some group. NONE. Loners aren't loners for the fun of it. Hell, there is no fun in being a loner. You come back to school on Monday and hear about how everyone had such a fantastic weekend with their BFF's and how they did this or that and your sitting there wishing more than anything you had a BFF to just go to a movie with or sit with at the lunch table. Even the damn band nerds had each other. Loners are loners the same reason someone is "a cool kid" or a "loser", because 1. it's just who they are and 2. their circumstances. I wasn't a loser but I wasn't cool either. How do you even change that!?
Anyway. I thought after high school I had evolved and was no longer a loner. I had friends and was always doing fun stuff with them. People were calling me, THEY called ME, people WANTED to hang out with me. I had successful changed myself from "loner" to someone people enjoyed being around and even wanted to be around.
Finally, I was a "cool guy"! But man, was I ever wrong.
None of that lasted. As it always had in the past, those relationships were fleeting. I had somehow slipped back into that cursed position of "the loner"; to cool to ignore or label a loser, but not cool enough to hang. Despite my efforts to be someone people like and want to call a friend, I was still on my own.
Even today. I find a group of amazing people I'm cool for a blazing moment and then that blaze fizzles out and I'm squeezed to the background, I become "oh Ditto, yeah, he's a cool guy", time after time. I once again have to listen to how wonderful a weekend was with everyone or told that they are going to be busy with another "cool" person.
I mean, eff, it's even the pattern my relationships follow. Im amazing and a great guy for two weeks and then before I know it, I was some fling. Dropped like a hot potato.
So what have I come to figure? I'm destined to be a lone wolf. If I could change it I would, but I'm apparently a loner by nature and that bitch wants it to stay that way.
But that's cool. I like me. Sometimes I even crack myself up and can entertain the hell out of myself. But every once in a while, my week is made by that one invite, or that one "how are you" text. I think it keeps me from feeling forgotten. Which is a legit fear of mine (it's a real thing look it up).
So, I challenge you. Think of someone right now. Someone that you like but dont make a lot of effort to reach out to. And invite them to lunch or a night out. Maybe even just text them and chat for a bit. I promise, you'll make all the difference in their day.
Well, this loner has to go to work.
The Lone Wolf
* This is not a wo me entry.