I don't want to be one of those "wo is me" writers all the time. But since it's my journal....I do wha I want. I'm generally I happy care-free guy, but these last couple months have been downers.
Today was an awful day. Someone I love and care a great deal for decided to go and cut me out of his life. His reasoning (which it's a very long and complicated story), is what it is. I don't agree with it, nor he agree with mine. It's been a very bitter-sweet roller coaster kinda relationship with him. And I've always known I should leave it be and forget him, for my own sake. But I mean, when you love someone, what you know to be best and what you feel don't always agree. Often times, the heart dominates the brain. This person I love, we haven't been anything for a while other than friends -well- a dysfunctional resemblance of a friendship. Let's just say it was very one-sided, again, I knew this but chose to look past it due to the way I felt. Anyway. Like I said, today our some-kind-of-relationship came to an end. It's kinda devastating. I think about it, and all I feel is great sadness and struggle to comprehend that it's over, I'll probably never see this person I care so much for again. It's very depressing.
So there was that. My day had been fully crapped upon. And it'll probably stink up my whole week.
Aaaaaaaaannnnd then, I realized tonight that I have alienated myself from my friends. Due to another long story, though shorter than the first one, I decided it would be best for me to distance myself from, not my friends, but a particular person and situation, which consequently meant distancing myself from my friends. I felt like it was the best thing to do for myself. I thought I would take time to figure things out and allow myself to really move one and just focus on me. But as time went one, I grew more and more lonely. I wanted more with each day to be with them. But I was convinced, that for my own sake, I needed to be removed. I thought that it would be okay, I thought that they would understand. I thought that when I felt i was ready, I would be able to go back to them and it would be like it was before I had to leave them. But I seem to have been wrong. I feel a distance between them and myself. I feel no longer like i'm a part of that group. I know they would disagree and say I'm still one of them and I know I am. But theres still that feeling of....not the same. And it's my fault. I did this to myself. I distanced myself from them and in that time a distance grew between us.
But what really vomited on top of my crapped on day was that I found out some of them decided to live together. Now normally thats whatever. But one of the guys they are moving in with, the long story guy......IDK how to word it. Basically, I'm butt hurt and upset about it. I feel like I introduced him to everyone, stuff happens, everyone starts to love the hell out of him, I go away, they all become butt-buddies and BFF's for life and decide to live together and I'm left feeling like I'm on the outside looking in and getting all sad and shit cause no one thought to ask me to live with them.
But it's all whatever. I'm probably to effing sensitive to this crap. Such is life. I'll get over it and be back at square one. The problem is my dwelling mind that drags this mess out and refuses to let me just get over it. But I always eventually get over it.
So yeah, today emotionally blew. I'm working on not caring about anything, considering both long story #1 and long story #2 told me to "just stop" caring.
So.....WHATEVER.
Ditto
I feel for you. My son has had similar experiences. Take some time for yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had such a crappy day. Friends just suck sometimes. Sometimes, we do. I think I kinda understand why your friend decided to cut you out of his life (no offense).
ReplyDeleteWait. Why do you think you understand why he would?
DeleteWell, you kind of made it sound like your friendship wasn't very mutual("a dysfunctional resemblance of a friendship. Let's just say it was very one-sided"). I've been in a similar relationship. It sucks when you put a lot of effort in a relationship, but receive nothing in return. FYI, I'm not judging you or anything. It's none of my business anyway.
DeleteHaha, yes. Except it was me putting all the effort in it. So by that, it should of been me doing the cutting.
DeleteOops, I must have misinterpreted it haha. Too bad for him then. You seem like a nice guy.
DeleteYou seem to lump your all friends into one entity. You may feel some what estranged from your friends as a whole but I would suggest this. Go to one or two of your closest friends and explain what has been going on with you. Tell them why you pulled away. Hopefully they would understand and recognize why you care so much about losing "them" as a friend. It would be sad to be disconnected totally from those that you love. If that doesn't work or help in any way, be open to making new friends which I know can be hard sometimes. Also, continue to be open to the opportunity to reconnect with "some' of your old friends in the future "if" they are good for you. Hang in there.....Adon
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteCutting anyone out of your life causes a huge disturbance, and always forces riffs in all of your other relationships. Sometimes shitty things like this happen, but it creates a new opportunity- either to learn, or to move on and find something fantastic.
ReplyDeleteSimilar things happened to me at school. But I think after a little time you'll be able to fix things.
Something similar happened between me and my best friend. I loved him like a brother, and he used to love me back, in a similar way. I told him everything, but in the end, he couldn't handle the fact that I had feelings more than friendship for him, and he cut me out of his life. It hurt so much when he did that. I hope you're feeling better.
ReplyDeleteMy reply stems from the second problem. I don't understand how you introducing this particular individual to this particular group warrants a "butt hurt" reaction. You, yourself, were unable to deal with the complicated situation, so you, yourself, removed yourself from this group. I'm assuming that the problem individual did not. You mention that everybody in the group enjoys him as a person, meaning that he was probably a friend when you, yourself, were not. It sounds like you're trying to take credit for the friendships developed between this person and this group, which is stupid. An introduction is nothing more than, well, an introduction. You need to take a step back and reflect on yourself. Had you not gone off the deep end, perhaps you would have been asked to be a tenant, also.
ReplyDelete1. I didn't even hint at the thought of the "problem" individual removing me. I made it pretty clear I removed myself because, as you pointed out (and I was saying), I was having issues with the complicated situation. Which is why I removed myself. I'm not sure where you get that I'm saying the individual removed me.
Delete2. Yes everyone in the group adores him. As admittedly, do I. Because he is funny, witty, attractive, clever, and very intelligent. And yes he is a good friend to them. And I think you misunderstand a lot of what I am saying. I don't take credit for them being being the BFF's that they are. In all actuality, they would have meet at some point anyway, though, I did encourage the individual to hang out with the group when he wasn't to keen on it in the first place. My point in pointing out that I introduced them is in explaining some of why I was butt hurt, not to say they are only friends because of me. I'm more than stoked they are all friends, that was my reasoning for introducing them in the first place. The butt hurt comes from them loving the hell out of him, more than they did or will ever love me (which the individual has no control over) and the other reason being of the two, I would have expected to be invited to live with the others before the invitation was extending to the individual, due to just knowing them longer and feeling like I was important to the group. It would of been fine even if we were both invited at the same time; however, I was never so much as even mentioned to. Thats what I meant by being butt hurt, I'm not sure you fully grasp the meaning of "butt hurt". I'm not blaming the individual, who I would never think of as a problem, for anything other than he, himself, going cold on me and cutting me out.
I'm sorry if I gave you the impression of that. I actually care a lot for the individual, and love the chance to be back on good terms with him. However, he has made it very clear he has no intentions of improving the situation. And yeah, my old group of friends do like and enjoy him more, so yes, they will and do choose him over me. I can't and don't really blame them.
One last, remark: The fact that you claim I was not being a friend or am being a friend "is stupid". Mostly because You do not even know who I am, what I've done, or anything more than the very basic outside-looking-in situation. I have been an incredible friend. I would put these people, including the individual, before myself in a seconds notice. And if you do know me unless you are Daniel, you do not know the situation either. Nor are you my friend if you think I have not been one to you.
Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, Anonymous.
Hi, new anonymous person here. Since your description is incredibly vague, it is hard to make a lot of judgments from it; however, it does seem like you brought this on yourself. You say that "long story guy" became really good friends with them, and that you, admittedly, removed yourself from that group to get away from him. I am sorry that you felt alienated from your friends, but it sounds like it was entirely by your own choosing. And it doesn't sound like any of your friends came chasing after you when you stopped hanging out with them, which leads me to question if they think of you as such a good friend after all. I don't think it should come as any surprise that they asked someone else to live with them, even if you knew them for a longer period of time, because you cut them out of your life.
ReplyDeleteHey! Yeah, you're right and I recognize this. Because I distanced myself from them that gave way to the alienation, I don't not agree with that. And you're right about them not "chasing after me" (Not that I wanted or expected them to "chase after me", but it would of been nice to of been reached out to rather than meet with a "oh, oh well" attitude.) which is something that contributed to the hurt of my butt. I was upset because it became evident that I was not thought of as the good friend I thought I was. And this was something I struggled with more than any other aspect of the situation. It just lead to me distancing myself from them all together with the notion that I would just move on from that crowd seeing as to how I didn't seem to be in it any more anyway (Side-note: I have an attachment issue with my friends, that I'm actively working on to get over, thats another story, haha, but contributes to this).
DeleteAs far as the whole moving in thing, it is what it is. I understand that I didn't make myself very available at the time and that damage had already been done, much of it on my own hands, though not all. I do doubt that I would have been asked no matter how good the situation was, though. I'm a great friend, but I've never been the kinda guy that people want to hang out with, I'm just not all that cool, haha ;) A fact long accepted.
So yeah, I agree with you. Also, take note this was several months ago now, I've had plenty of time to think it through and see where my faults lie and vise versa. I have gotten over he whole thing. My journey now is to make peace with it and move on. I did/do consider them all some of my best friends, so it's difficult, but such is life and it goes on.
Thanks, new Anonymous for reading and for your input, I appreciate it!