Saturday, September 14, 2013

Building Up

Dear Journal,

Q:Where do you see yourself at age 25?
A: Close to finishing my law degree at NYU Law, if I didn't finish early! And then working for a law firm in New York City!

Q: Married?
A: Of course! I want to get married when I'm about 22 or 23 to whoever the incredible girl is I have been dating for a year or two.

Q: Any kids?
A: Two! Probably not both kids by age 25, ha. But I want at least one by then. I want to have one of my own with my wife and then adopt a child. Some people have like 4 or more kids, but I can not imagine having more than two.

                                                          ~Interview with myself, freshmen year of high school 

Q: Where do you see yourself at age 25?
A: You mean next 9 months? Eff, I don't know! In school, somewhere, hopefully.

Q: Married?
A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Dude, I've never even had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I would love to find someone I fall greatly in love with and settle down. But it's not looking likely ANY time soon.

Q: Any kids?
A: if I knocked some chick up this week, other wise it's not possible. But even then, it's a struggle to provide for myself, much less a little offspring running around.

                                                           ~Interview with myself, today

Needless to say, my life is nothing remotely close to what I envisioned it to be when I was young and naive. All those "Where do you see yourself" worksheets are crap. What's the quote? "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making plans"? Well, I made my plans and life reared it's bitter-sweet bitch face and here I am; feeling unaccomplished and unsure what to do at this point. I feel like I've come to a standstill and my legs are locked at the knees. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there.
I've tried several directions, none quite working out or even being counter-productive. I've dug a hole. Then I dug another hole thinking I'd use the dirt from that hole to climb out of this one, only to find the more I dig, the more dirt I need to get out. So a couple times I've dug sideways, not going down anymore, but no closer to getting out of the hole, just a different spot.
I continue to make plans but life keeps happening. It's not totally bad. I've learned much while in this hole or that hole and while digging them. I've gained experiences from this and that. And above all, I've learned a shit load about myself. A lot of which I now know needs to change or work on, but also some strengths.

But you know what? I'm down here in this hole. And I'm going to go all Minecraft on its ass. I don't yet have the tools I need to get back to the surface and I'm slightly lost down here, running low on torches. But it's below the surface that you find all the materials needed to build, not only more torches, but bigger and better things on the surface.
So, for the time being, I'll make my home here in this hole of mine. I'll go out and I'll find the materials I need and combine them with the ones I have already. With them, I'll build my home here in this hole. I'll fortify my hole and I'll expand my hole (Get your mind out of the gutter, ya nasty). I do not plan to live here long. Slowly, I will find the materials to build a staircase. And step by step I will make my way out of the hole I've called home. The building I do here will become the foundation for the home I build upon the surface. And that home will be grand. With all that I learn and collect while focusing on my current renovation, I will build a more stable and beautiful home.

I don't know what materials I will find along the way, some are much more rare than others, coming across them only by chance, and I don't know all the tools I may need.

But I figure I'll start with some goals and, as I learned on my mission, make smaller goals that lead to achieving the larger goal. I can't build the house without first collecting the wood and then fashioning the hammer. So my first goal is collecting the wood.

Here are a couple Im striving for:

Get back to school. Even if it's not BYU. I'm looking at UVU right now.

Actually thats my only goal right now.....

I've been thinking about joining the reserves, Air Force, as a way to help pay for it. That's the last resort though.

So with that, I'm off to start my building.


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