Thursday, January 30, 2014

Welcome back to Provo, UT

Dear journal,

Well, it's been a few months. I even forgot I had this journal for a little bit. So I'd say it's about time for an entry. How about just an update on Ditto?

So a few months ago, back in May-ish. I was in a pretty low place. I was depressed, I was lonely, I was struggling to make ends meet, and I just was not happy. I had done so poorly in school that I was suspended from byu for a full year. I originally looked at that time away from byu to take some time and focus on myself and figuring things out, to get back in a good place. I decided to take an EMT course at a tech college. I did alright, but in the end I decided it wasn't for me. After that, My sister-in-law called me one day and offered me the opportunity to fly out and live with them for a few months and work and save up some money. I took the offer and found myself in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania for the next six months. Where is Waynesboro, PA? Uh, kinda in the middle of no where along the PA-MD border. While I was more than grateful to my brother and sister-in-law, it just wasn't the place for me and I was more than eager to get back to Utah. Now, thats not to say I did not enjoy my time in Waynesboro. I really loved being able to get to know my two nieces and being a part of their lives for a bit. I was working at PacSun, Americas Best as an optician, Coach, and serving at a restaurant. I worked with some awesome people who I really came to love and enjoy. But the area just was not for me and I greatly missed my friends and second home.
After Waynesboro, I was able to go home for the Christmas break! I got to see my long time best friends from home, Mark Webster and Bridget Casterino! Natasha Hakata just didn't plan her time very well and didn't get to see me ;) I love them now and forever and they will always be my closest friends no matter how little we see one another or how long it's been since. While seeing them and family again was great, the best part of my short time home was a boy named Zachary. We started talking and decided to go on a date (within the bounds of the BYU Honor Code, of course). And he quickly became one of my favorite people in the world. He's honestly the most perfect guy I've ever met and had the privilege to spend time with. Zach will always have his claim to the fondest part of my heart! And I will never stop trying to talk Zach into transferring to BYU. Unfortunately, well, more bitter-sweet than unfortunate, the time came for me to return to Provo!
And so here I am. Again at BYU and struggling to keep my grades above failing and balancing everything.  Things aren't the same as when I left. Most all my friends have moved away. So I've been trying to get out and make some new ones. I've switched my major to Public Relations, which I'm excited for. I think I'll excel in P.R. more than I would in Advertising...assuming I get into the program, ha.
And so that is the major events of the last few months and the general update on yours truly.

At some point during all that I like to think I've grown and have changed. Have learned a couple things about myself and life. One thing being, just like the Disney song "let it go" in Frozen says, "It's funny how some distance makes everything seem so small". Mostly, I realized I need to stop focusing on others, no matter how much I love them or how important they are to me, and I need to focus on myself, do whats best for myself, and not always put my friends before me. Because most the time, most of them don't care as much as I do. I still love my friends more than anything and would do anything for them. But I'm done with and over one-sided relationships of any type. I'm willing to go the 90% for anyone, but if they don't even go the 10%, they are not worth my time, energy or emotions. And for me, that realization is a huge burden lifted off me. And even refreshing and in a way, freeing. Over all I've grown for the better. I now know I need to find my happiness in myself and not in others, because when they fall away or leave me hanging, my happiness wont go with them. And thats where I'm at, journal

I'll try to stay up with this, it just really depends on how my timing with classes and homework go. I need to focus on and put school before anything else right now. And I'm no good at that.



  1. I don't know why I haven't seen your blog before, but I am glad I found it now. Sounds like you've had a rough go of it the past little while but that things are turning around. Anxious to hear how Zachary and the new major turn out for you!

  2. Hope you enjoyed your East Coast adventure!