Monday, March 18, 2013

Leaving on a jet plane

Dear journal,

I just want to go. I want to go somewhere new. Somewhere no one knows me and I know no one. A place to just leave things and people behind and start over. No past or history with anyone. No memories anywhere. It would be a chance to reinvent and re-distinguish myself. And everything so new. A place I can just disappear.
No one has preconceived notions of me. And I of no one else. I can truly become and be a new person, the person Ive wanted to be. No longer bound by the expectations those I know have developed and have for me.

To be able to leave thoughts and care of people behind, no longer burdened by the constant thoughts and memories of times changed or relationships lost. To be able to walk down the street and not have to think about that IHOP being your first date. Or that park was your first kiss. To be able to move on without the constant reminders of how good it was or the hopes and expectations you had. 

But most appealing; The opportunity to reinvent myself. I did it when I left Texas and came to Utah. It's about time to do it again. To re-distiguish myself. And not just with the people around me but with myself. A new place, a new Ditto.

I have the soul of a gypsy. All growing up we moved literaly every two-three years for one reason or another. From one home to another, one town to the next. I hated it. But its stuck with me. I can't stay in one place for to long. On my LDS mission, by the second or third month in one city, I was ready to move to the next. Here at BYU, I feel like I need to move to a new house and area of provo every semester. It just gets to a point when I have to leave to change my surroundings . And its not just applicable to my location. I cant stand work that never changes. Im going to need a career that changes from time to time. So no accounting for me ;)

I've been itching to go. To go somewhere new. The gypsy in me is yerning to move on. To find and experiance something new. 

The only thing that keeps me from just going is 1. My friends here. I love them and they mean the world to me. I would do anything for them, literally. And it would kill me to just up and leave them behind. Not to mention I'm a type of person that needs those close relationships, "crave them", my therapist says. And so the idea of losing that is one that scares me. 2. My mother would call the national guard to find me. 

I'm going to do it, journal. This Summer. I'm going to go. I'm going to start over somewhere new. I'm thinking Washington. But maybe New York, like I've always dreamed. Or San Francisco. I don't know! For how long? I don't know! You never know where you'll end up. I'm no where near where I thought I would be just one year ago, much less six months ago!  

10 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Is that a The Emperors New Groove reference?

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    2. ha. nope. That's a "I spent the first part of last year in Peru, and being in Iquitos and Cusco for a couple of weeks felt just like this" reference. Even in Trujillo (where i was most of the time) some people knew me. But backpacking around Peru was great because I could be anyone. I stayed in hostels the whole time I was traveling and I could be completely authentic me. Met a lot of really incredible people.

      Of course it wasn't as permanent as I think you're looking for. But it was great to not have to worry about preconceived notions. about who I was or how I should act.

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  2. I was not looking for a blank slate when I moved from Utah to NC, but I wanted a change. It was good for me. I am restless. I wish I could split my time among NC, UT, and WA.

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  3. Hey what's wrong with accounting? And that's for the post. Gives me an idea for one myself. Something I haven't thought about in 20+ years.

    Keep writing sir.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the post I mean. Dang iPad.

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    2. Ha, NP! I'll make sure to read it!

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  4. I feel ya! I have a gypsy spirit too.

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  5. Move to Effington. (Ben Folds song, if you haven't heard it listen- it's funny and it echoes what you're feeling, but just a little bit :p)

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  6. yepp your right i will call the National Gard, Marines, army and everyone els i can think off lol you gotta keep in touch with mom. i love you :)

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