Restarting

Dear Journal,

I did it. I didn't go to washington, but I still did it, I just went. I packed up and got the hell out of Provo. The plan is to be away till at least December. But only time will tell how long I will stay. Till I feel good about going back I guess. Till memories can fade and I can stop caring so much.

But in the mean time, this is my time to restart things. I don't want to start over. I just want to restart things. I see how that sounds like the same thing, starting over and restarting. But the difference is starting over implies all new, the intention to change things and do it differently. While restarting implies nothing will be new or undone, but just gives you the chance to refresh and try again. I probably did a terrible job at explaining the difference or you may not see it as two different meanings. But That's how I see it, and it being my journal, that's what it is.

This is my time to be able to completely move on from things and situations and people that I left behind. Time for me to sit back and examine myself. To examine what Me, Myself, and I want out of the next 5 years, 10 years, and just out of my life. I'm getting scared of the future, it's not looking bright for me at this point. I haven't done my best or given it my all. And it's time for me to re-focus myself and get determined. I refuse to not have a bright future. I didn't make it this far and over come circumstances to just be mediocre. I am Scott Zackery Ditto and I plan to live up to who I am, who I know I will be. I've been being stupid and losing sight of me. I've been putting too many others before myself and to no avail.

Waynesboro, Pennsylvania. This is where I will restart, examine, and re-focus. This is where I leave things to the past and focus on the current. I'm not in Provo, UT anymore and neither will be my thoughts.

It's been a rough start. I don't know anyone out here, no friends. I've meet a few people but all to far to see regularly. I even met a guy that seems to be genuinely interested in me, which is something new for me. But it has it's complications and I have my insecurities. Just another thing to work on resetting. There aren't as many work opportunities as I was hoping there'd be. I've started working part-time at PACSUN, which is my favorite clothing store, so I'm excited for that! Also, I'm going to be planning some traveling and road-trips while I'm out here on the east coast. I can go check out D.C., Baltimore, Philly and Pittsburgh. Also some other cool things like Hershey Park and Gettysburg, PA. But the most exciting one, that I'm thrilled more than anything about, is the chance to go to NYC! NYC is my dream and it's only 4 hours away! (And don't you dare try to explain to me why NYC isn't all that great or what people make it out to be. I'm not so naive as to think it's some perfect city. It's a city and like every city has it's dirty, dangerous, and unattractive side. But it's a city and like every city it has it culture and it's diversity and its beauty with endless opportunities and life. Pet-Peeve of mine: People trying to diminish my grand view of NYC. It's the best place on earth, bitches, so shut it.) I don't have much to do, anywhere to go, or anyone to see. I've been bored out of my mind like never before.

I miss my friends and the familiarity of Utah. I miss meeting people and making a new friend every time I turn the conner. I miss walking every where. But this, to get away, is what I need and what is best for me at this point. I need to restart. I know I will find what is here for me. If there was nothing here for me, then I wouldn't have ended up here. I look forward to returning to Provo and my familiar life there. But I hope that it will not be so familiar. If it is, I failed my time here in Waynesboro. I look forward to returning to Provo, but Provo for now is history and I'm too busy getting caught up in my present and working towards my future. If that includes Provo again, is yet to be known.

I am Scott Zackery Ditto, restarted.

Ditto

P.S. I still need to write out Reason 3, I haven't forgotten. I just haven't been in the writing mood of late. 

Leaving on a jet plane

Dear journal,

I just want to go. I want to go somewhere new. Somewhere no one knows me and I know no one. A place to just leave things and people behind and start over. No past or history with anyone. No memories anywhere. It would be a chance to reinvent and re-distinguish myself. And everything so new. A place I can just disappear.

No one has preconceived notions of me. And I of no one else. I can truly become and be a new person, the person Ive wanted to be. No longer bound by the expectations those I know have developed and have for me.

To be able to leave thoughts and care of people behind, no longer burdened by the constant thoughts and memories of times changed or relationships lost. To be able to walk down the street and not have to think about that IHOP being your first date. Or that park was your first kiss. To be able to move on without the constant reminders of how good it was or the hopes and expectations you had. 

But most appealing; The opportunity to reinvent myself. I did it when I left Texas and came to Utah. It's about time to do it again. To re-distiguish myself. And not just with the people around me but with myself. A new place, a new Ditto.

I have the soul of a gypsy. All growing up we moved literaly every two-three years for one reason or another. From one home to another, one town to the next. I hated it. But its stuck with me. I can't stay in one place for to long. On my LDS mission, by the second or third month in one city, I was ready to move to the next. Here at BYU, I feel like I need to move to a new house and area of provo every semester. It just gets to a point when I have to leave to change my surroundings . And its not just applicable to my location. I cant stand work that never changes. Im going to need a career that changes from time to time. So no accounting for me ;)

I've been itching to go. To go somewhere new. The gypsy in me is yerning to move on. To find and experiance something new. 

The only thing that keeps me from just going is 1. My friends here. I love them and they mean the world to me. I would do anything for them, literally. And it would kill me to just up and leave them behind. Not to mention I'm a type of person that needs those close relationships, "crave them", my therapist says. And so the idea of losing that is one that scares me. 2. My mother would call the national guard to find me. 

I'm going to do it, journal. This Summer. I'm going to go. I'm going to start over somewhere new. I'm thinking Washington. But maybe New York, like I've always dreamed. Or San Francisco. I don't know! For how long? I don't know! You never know where you'll end up. I'm no where near where I thought I would be just one year ago, much less six months ago!  

"Like I need to go to Crossasia so bad."

Ditto