A Deck Of Wilds

Dear Journal,

When I'm playing a game of cards, say like UNO or another game that has 'wild' cards, I find that I hope for a wild card. Every draw or cad dealt, I have that little wish that it'll be a 'wild'. I think to myself, "Please be a wild, please be a wild." I hope for a wild card. I get excited when I draw that wild card. And I plan my hand around the wild card(s). However, 97% of the time after flipping the card over I find it is not the wild I had just pleaded for, the card I needed that would of given me two possible winning hands, but rather some useless three or a King that, yeah I could use, but now I also need a dang Jack or a Queen. And I feel slightly let down. And I repeat the plead for a 'wild' each time my turn comes around; and more turns than not, I draw a slightly disappointing card.


You know what is like drawing cards? Life. Except with life, you're hoping for that three or the King in a deck full of wilds.

Life deals you wild cards all the freaking time. You really never know whats coming next. I mean, four months ago I never would of even imagined I'd be sitting here in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania. When I graduated high school I had planned on being graduated from college by now and close to finishing law school. That was the hand I had planned to build and lay down. But here I sit. Waynesboro, PA, not close to graduating and planning to go into advertising/event planning. Why? Because of life's abundance of wild cards.

I've long been at the conclusion, no one can truly know where they will be in 10 years. Five years, even just one year, is hard enough to predict. Anything could happen. I planned to attend NYU and live in NYC as an attorney and aspired to be a judge one day. Then my turn came to draw and I drew the "become mormon and go to BYU" card. I was okay with that card, it just meant I needed to change my hand up some. Okay, so that wasn't expected, but next turn, I just need a 'graduation card' and then I can focus on getting the 'law school' card.

"Your turn, Ditto."

"Oh, cool. Come on graduation, please graduation, graduation, I just need...." "Dang it! Another wild."

And you go through the game, turn after turn, hoping to draw the one card you need, the one card to complete your hand and move on to phase 5, especially since everyone else seems to be on phase 7 already!

And that's all we can really do. Look at the hand we've been dealt, see what direction we want to go, build our hand as we go, and hope for the three or the King that we would really like to draw that would make the game so much more convenient. All the while life is dealing out the wilds and changing up your hand.

Not to say that you can't control where you go or what you do. Just like in the card game, you can choose to continue to build the hand you originally planned to play, making changes here and there as the cards are drawn. But a lot of times, you have to change your plans and keep playing as the wilds come, inserting your more set cards when you can and try your hardest to make the wilds work in your favor.

But sometimes, you just need to pull that ace out of your sleeve and create your own hand.

Life's wild cards come in all aspects of our lives: work, school, friendships/relationships, personal desires/beliefs, and even as things like natural disasters or the choices of other people.  Some of them are great and add to our hand, or our lives, others are disappointing and make our hand more difficult to play.

All you can do is add it to your hand and work with it, hoping your next draw is all the more in your favor.

Ditto

Restarting

Dear Journal,

I did it. I didn't go to washington, but I still did it, I just went. I packed up and got the hell out of Provo. The plan is to be away till at least December. But only time will tell how long I will stay. Till I feel good about going back I guess. Till memories can fade and I can stop caring so much.

But in the mean time, this is my time to restart things. I don't want to start over. I just want to restart things. I see how that sounds like the same thing, starting over and restarting. But the difference is starting over implies all new, the intention to change things and do it differently. While restarting implies nothing will be new or undone, but just gives you the chance to refresh and try again. I probably did a terrible job at explaining the difference or you may not see it as two different meanings. But That's how I see it, and it being my journal, that's what it is.

This is my time to be able to completely move on from things and situations and people that I left behind. Time for me to sit back and examine myself. To examine what Me, Myself, and I want out of the next 5 years, 10 years, and just out of my life. I'm getting scared of the future, it's not looking bright for me at this point. I haven't done my best or given it my all. And it's time for me to re-focus myself and get determined. I refuse to not have a bright future. I didn't make it this far and over come circumstances to just be mediocre. I am Scott Zackery Ditto and I plan to live up to who I am, who I know I will be. I've been being stupid and losing sight of me. I've been putting too many others before myself and to no avail.

Waynesboro, Pennsylvania. This is where I will restart, examine, and re-focus. This is where I leave things to the past and focus on the current. I'm not in Provo, UT anymore and neither will be my thoughts.

It's been a rough start. I don't know anyone out here, no friends. I've meet a few people but all to far to see regularly. I even met a guy that seems to be genuinely interested in me, which is something new for me. But it has it's complications and I have my insecurities. Just another thing to work on resetting. There aren't as many work opportunities as I was hoping there'd be. I've started working part-time at PACSUN, which is my favorite clothing store, so I'm excited for that! Also, I'm going to be planning some traveling and road-trips while I'm out here on the east coast. I can go check out D.C., Baltimore, Philly and Pittsburgh. Also some other cool things like Hershey Park and Gettysburg, PA. But the most exciting one, that I'm thrilled more than anything about, is the chance to go to NYC! NYC is my dream and it's only 4 hours away! (And don't you dare try to explain to me why NYC isn't all that great or what people make it out to be. I'm not so naive as to think it's some perfect city. It's a city and like every city has it's dirty, dangerous, and unattractive side. But it's a city and like every city it has it culture and it's diversity and its beauty with endless opportunities and life. Pet-Peeve of mine: People trying to diminish my grand view of NYC. It's the best place on earth, bitches, so shut it.) I don't have much to do, anywhere to go, or anyone to see. I've been bored out of my mind like never before.

I miss my friends and the familiarity of Utah. I miss meeting people and making a new friend every time I turn the conner. I miss walking every where. But this, to get away, is what I need and what is best for me at this point. I need to restart. I know I will find what is here for me. If there was nothing here for me, then I wouldn't have ended up here. I look forward to returning to Provo and my familiar life there. But I hope that it will not be so familiar. If it is, I failed my time here in Waynesboro. I look forward to returning to Provo, but Provo for now is history and I'm too busy getting caught up in my present and working towards my future. If that includes Provo again, is yet to be known.

I am Scott Zackery Ditto, restarted.

Ditto

P.S. I still need to write out Reason 3, I haven't forgotten. I just haven't been in the writing mood of late. 

My happy place

Dear Journal,

I had previously wrote about how I felt as if I had lost some of my friends. I've taken that down, I wrote that while not in a good mood or place.  The truth is that it's just a difficult situation.
I have some of the most amazing friends. I know everyone thinks that. But someone out there has to actually have the most amazing friends, and I'm confident that it's me.

My friends are my world. By friends I mean the ones that I love more than myself and would go up against the world for. I have always treasured my friendships and put them before myself. I would with out hesitation give up anything for them. If I had the worlds greatest opportunity and all I had to do was jump two times, but at the same time one of my friends were in great need, I would tell the opportunity to shove it and tend to my friend. The bond that exist between friends is the most beautiful thing I can imagine. My friends are my most cherished blessings from Heavenly Father. Friends are one's escape from the world. Friends make the world seem so much smaller and as if you have some value. I didn't have friends growing up. When I finally discovered life with some friends, I changed. I saw the world differently, I felt like a better happier person. To have someone that you have a bond with is like nothing else. When your world seems to be going wrong or life is giving you lemons, often times almost rotten one, it's friends that lend you the sugar and anything else you need to make lemonade.
Someone once asked me:
"Where is your happy place, Ditto?"
Everyone gave a place they like to go to back home or somewhere they once traveled.
"My happy place? In the middle of a burning building with no hope of escaping right next to my best friend. At work cleaning the toilets next to a friend. Eating fries at McDonalds because my friend hates Wendys. I'd say at my friends side is my happy place."
I can not begin to explain how deep my love for my friends runs. I know for a fact, I would gladly and readily give my own life for any one of my friends. I give of myself excessively to friends, whether that is reciprocated or not, it matters not.

But when that love and friendship is reciprocated, it is the most incredible euphoria life has. That validation of your friendship, that knowledge that your love and friendship is not over-looked or taken for granted makes life worth living more than anything I can think of.

I have the most amazing friends. Because they do love and care for me. They are there for me when I need them and always putting a smile on my face and stand waiting with sugar and juicer in hand.

To them, I say this: I love you. I love you above all else. And I'm not even exaggerating. Like I wish I could express just what you truly mean to me in my life. You keep me afloat and you fill my life with more meaning than anything ever will. I consider you a blessing from God, and one I do not take for granted and give thanks for in prayer. I will drop anything for you and I will give anything. I don't care if it's been twenty plus years we haven't talked or seen one another. I don't care the distance.  I will be on the next flight out. If you remember only one thing about me; remember this:

I love you. and it's unconditional. 

Sometimes I may seem distant or might even be upset with you. But my love for you will out rank any other thing. You could kill my dog and burn my house down. I may be extremely pissed at you. But I'll be right there helping you get the smell of smoke out of your clothes and making sure you didn't burn yourself.

You are my family.

Sean- You are my brother-from-another-mother for life.
Clayton- You're so good at strategy (and life) it pisses me off.
Mark W.- You're probably the only person I've ever meet that is chiller than myself.
Natasha- You are the kindest most loving person anyone will ever know.
Bridgitte- You so outgoing and a friend everyone you meet.
Daniel- You get me.
Matt- You're extremely thoughtful about life. I enjoy listening to you talk.
Bryan- You're like the perfectly well rounded guy ever and so welcoming.
Carson- You're considerate, understanding, and easy to open up to, knowing no judgement will come.
Meredith- You're super easy to chill with and I'm sure to have a good time with you no matter what.
Chris- Also easy to have a good time with and sure to put a smile on everyones face.
Natalie- You are generous and caring. Always ready to give of yourself.
Stewart- You always have concern for others.
Angie- You've helped more than I can say. You're always there for people and ready with advice.
Mark L.- You're probably one of my most favorite people I have met.
Jordan B.- You are so considerate of others and loving. I will never forget the time we went sledding and you walked me hand in hand across the icy edge of the pond.

Friendship is so important and needs to be nourished and valued above anything else.

Ditto

And this one is a sweet song from ADVENTURE TIME: You are my best friends in the world

Equality is well on it's way

Dear journal,

Today is a special day. The Supreme court began reviewing prop 8 and DOMA! If they get overturned,  the "same-sex"marriage debate will be over!

I woke up this morning and quickly turned on my computer to check in on the status of the rulings and all the stuff going on around it. While watching and seeing all the support on Facebook, twitter, and the speeches given in D.C., I started crying.  I was so happy and excited! I AM so happy and excited! Things are changing. The majority of the people are in favor of "same-sex" marriage. I could go off on all these thoughts and feeling about the topic. But for now, I am just so elated and beyond words excited.

I wore red today and my Facebook and the internet were blowing up red. Today in My EMT class several of the students asked me about my button, resembling this picture.

And it opened up a great discussion about the Supreme court cases and marriage equality. Which also lead to being gay and mormon. But it was an awesome discussion. The whole class was super cool and supportive. Haha, in fact, I think I may have become a little more popular with them all, haha. 

One day. I will marry a boy named Jake. And I will not have to worry about which state I live in. I will not need to worry about any legal issues should a death between us happen or any other legal crap. We will be able to live happily. As man and man.

This is a wonderful time.


Live updates

Ditto

Leaving on a jet plane

Dear journal,

I just want to go. I want to go somewhere new. Somewhere no one knows me and I know no one. A place to just leave things and people behind and start over. No past or history with anyone. No memories anywhere. It would be a chance to reinvent and re-distinguish myself. And everything so new. A place I can just disappear.

No one has preconceived notions of me. And I of no one else. I can truly become and be a new person, the person Ive wanted to be. No longer bound by the expectations those I know have developed and have for me.

To be able to leave thoughts and care of people behind, no longer burdened by the constant thoughts and memories of times changed or relationships lost. To be able to walk down the street and not have to think about that IHOP being your first date. Or that park was your first kiss. To be able to move on without the constant reminders of how good it was or the hopes and expectations you had. 

But most appealing; The opportunity to reinvent myself. I did it when I left Texas and came to Utah. It's about time to do it again. To re-distiguish myself. And not just with the people around me but with myself. A new place, a new Ditto.

I have the soul of a gypsy. All growing up we moved literaly every two-three years for one reason or another. From one home to another, one town to the next. I hated it. But its stuck with me. I can't stay in one place for to long. On my LDS mission, by the second or third month in one city, I was ready to move to the next. Here at BYU, I feel like I need to move to a new house and area of provo every semester. It just gets to a point when I have to leave to change my surroundings . And its not just applicable to my location. I cant stand work that never changes. Im going to need a career that changes from time to time. So no accounting for me ;)

I've been itching to go. To go somewhere new. The gypsy in me is yerning to move on. To find and experiance something new. 

The only thing that keeps me from just going is 1. My friends here. I love them and they mean the world to me. I would do anything for them, literally. And it would kill me to just up and leave them behind. Not to mention I'm a type of person that needs those close relationships, "crave them", my therapist says. And so the idea of losing that is one that scares me. 2. My mother would call the national guard to find me. 

I'm going to do it, journal. This Summer. I'm going to go. I'm going to start over somewhere new. I'm thinking Washington. But maybe New York, like I've always dreamed. Or San Francisco. I don't know! For how long? I don't know! You never know where you'll end up. I'm no where near where I thought I would be just one year ago, much less six months ago!  

"Like I need to go to Crossasia so bad."

Ditto

Chivalry isn't so outdated after all

Dear journal,

As far as family roles and dating goes, I've always considered myself a modern day guy. I don't feel like I have to be the one to ask a girl on a date based off the fact that I am a male. Or that it's my responsibility to pay for that date every time because, again, I have the outward facing genitals. And I've always pictured my wife (assuming I marry a woman ;)) having her own successful career.
I've always felt that opening doors and all that jazz was just kinda over the top and out-dated. I mean it's a nice gesture and what not. But yeah.

Until recently.

I was going on dates with this one guy, we'll call him ThisBoy. We were't anything serious and had been on maybe one date before. But this date, ThisBoy took me to *IHOPE for breakfast. While paying for the check, the waitress approached us and told us the cook (who had seated us) thought [ThisBoy] was cute and wanted to see if he could get his number. ThisBoy said no, he doesn't give his number out and sent the check with her. While sitting there I asked why didn't you give him your number? "because that was extremely rude of him and pisses me off that he would ask". At first I was a little taken back and thought ThisBoy was over reacting and being kinda harsh. But he continued; "It's obvious I'm on a date with you". I don't know where I was going with that, but it kinda made me feel really good about ThisBoy and respected. But I mention that because it was only the beginning.
Walking to the car, ThisBoy went to the passenger side-door.
I was like, is he wanting me to drive? He must need to grab something. Wha..what the... "what are you doing, ha?"
"I'm opening the door for you, duh"
"uh...okay, thanks."
Again I was taken back a little. And again, I felt the same feelings as moments before.
We spent some more time together that day and then he took me home.
"Here we are" were not his exact words.
"Thanks for the ride ho....where are you going?" I asked all confused like as he got out of the car.
"I'm walking you to the door"
............It's like 15 feet, "uh, okay".  And again, the same feelings.

Those feelings were feelings of being respected and excitement that he was so amazing. It made me feel like I was more than just another guy. Thinking back on the date and ThisBoy opening the car door for me and walking me to my door is my favorite memory of ThisBoy and our date. He made me feel good about myself and greatly impressed me with those two simple small acts. I never thought someone would do such a thing for me or like me enough to do it.  And of course it made me like him  40X more, haha. I was surprised not only that he did those things, but I was surprised by the way it made me feel. It was a completely new experience for me.

Thanks to ThisBoy, my perspective on the simple acts of opening a door for your date and walking them to the door are changed.


I've always said: 'The type of girl I marry will be the girl that asks me out". But now I can't wait to marry the person that opens the door for me and walks me to the door.

*Spell out 'IHOP' and say "ness";) Hahaha, I love it.

Ditto

I am Scott Zackery Ditto. Ditto to most.

Dear Journal,

This being my journal and writing about my life and thoughts and all that junk, there's something you'd need to know to better know me and understand me. Something that is a large part of my life and a big part of what makes me...me, And yet it's not. Its just another little insignificant part of me that makes me who I am.

I, Scott Zackery Ditto, am bisexual.

I sometimes just say gay, cause it's easier to explain and people can comprehend that better than the vague therm that is "bi". So what does that mean? It means I am sexually AND romantically attracted to male and female humans. I've concluded that I am 70-80% gay and 30-20% straight (depending on the day). Meaning, I am more attracted to males and a wider variety of males, than I am to females.

Now that you understand that, lets talk about it. Some of you may be surprised and some of you may not be so surprised, and then some of you already know. And I know that some of you may have questions or thoughts. I would love to answer them and discuss anything with you. Just ask.

The first question I usually get is: "But you're Mormon"

Yes, I am Mormon! And I know the current doctrine and the current position The LDS Church has on homosexuality. However. I also know that just because I am gay, does not mean the church is not true. I continue to have faith in my religion and will always continue to have that faith. Even if I were to be excommunicated one day, I would still attend church on Sundays and practice my LDS beliefs. How do I reconcile my faith and my sexual orientation? Simple. I do not believe there is anything to reconcile. I can not believe homosexuality is in any way hated by Heavenly Father. If it is, he is not the all loving and inclusive God I have come to know and love. I have three main reasons I believe this and have full faith in. But those are for a future entry. (Here is the future entry.)

Next comes: "If you're bi, why don't you just date/marry girls"
Who knows maybe I will. The way it is for me is I like and fall in love with who I like and fall in love with. If I happen to meet a fine young lady that I love and marry first, so be it! But if I meet a fine young gentleman that I love and marry first, all the same! Either way, I know I will be happy and fulfilled.

There are lots of questions and I have my answers, so if you have some, ask away. But I don't want this to be a super long entry ;)

Now that you know.....now what? What happens? What changes? How should you react, treat me, or think of me?

Nothing happens. Nothing changes. You react like you just found out I like the color green (which I do). You treat me as you always have. And you think kindly and loving of me. If anything, you think of me as brave and strong.
Why brave and strong? Because thats what it takes to be any kind of gay in this world. And even more of it to "come out" to people. I am 100% confident in my sexuality. I have no issues with being gay; socially, religiously, or personally. But to sit down, look your mother in the face after twenty three years of hearing that being gay is a sin and is disgusting from your family, your friends, leaders, role models, and preachers, is the most un-nerving, emotionally racking, and scariest thing someone will ever do. It takes courage to be gay in our world. To walk down the street holding hands with the person you love and hear someone on the other side of the street yell out at you "Fucking Fagots" and to still hold your head high. To listen to your best friends discuss how gross gay guys are and how they would beat them up if one ever hit on them. Or to go to church. To go to church, a place you seek for upliftment and guidance, and have to  listen to the preacher give a sermon on the great abomination that you are and that you are never going to go to heaven. No, you will go to hell and burn. Because God, the one being who you should be able to turn to for unconditional love hates you.
Yes. Think of me and every other homosexual person as brave and strong.

Why "Come out"?
I've never even thought about coming out until recently. I didn't feel it was something I needed to do or should have to do. The only time I brought it up or told anyone was if it was relevant to the conversation/situation or important for someone to know. I wasn't closeted but I wasn't "out" either.
I decided to "come out" for a few reasons. First. Because I can not stand to be just sit back anymore and watch/listen to the hate and stupidity of people towards homosexuals anymore.  I mean watch this video and tell me that is what God wants. Which is the bigger abomination to God: Me loving a man or people hating, condemning, and killing people in the name of God because they love the same sex? I "came out" because I want to be a voice for myself and fellow homo's. I want to help change the way people view homosexuals. And it has to start with myself. Second. I want to be open and honest with all the people I know and love. It's a part of who I am. To truly know me and love me, you must truly know me. Third, while I haven't treated it as a secret and am in no way ashamed of being bisexual, it is a big burden lifted to say it and for people to know.

I am the same person I have been. I am Scott Zackery Ditto. I am bisexual. I am a son, a brother, a friend. I am white. American. 5'11. I'm Mormon. A student at BYU. More a liberal than anything else. I love Chinese food. I get shy in large groups. I love people and give the benefit of the doubt to a fault. I cry when I see the dark side of people. I also cry watching Lilo and Sticth. I love dogs.

Ditto

The start of....something.

Dear Journal,

My problem with journal writing is 1. Keeping up with it, and 2. Knowing what to write. I mean, will my future readers care that I went to the gym today or that I fell down and embarrassed myself in front of a bunch of people?
If I were the future reader, I wouldn't care. No, when I read a journal, I'm looking for the real good stuff. I want to really get an insight into the person who decided to write it all down. If I'm taking the time to read about them then I want to really get to know them. The good, the bad, the ugly, the why, etc. What does this person think while they lie in bed at night staring into the dark? And then I want to learn form them. What can I take from their life, their beliefs, their understandings and use to improve my own? It's a chance to view the world from another perspective.
And so that's what I hope to do with this journal. I want to allow others an honest view into my life. My own good, bad, and ugly. I want to share my view on life and all that comes with it. Maybe after reading my entries you might see something in a different light, better understand the other side of an idea, or even think of something you never have before.

Keep in mind, this is my personal journal. In it I will leave my personal thoughts, problems, opinions, desires, and beliefs. I will be open, honest, and unbashful. You may not agree with or like them all; however, I would hope you wouldn't simply write anything off as wrong or ridiculous. No ones honest opinion or beliefs are wrong or ridiculous. And above all, I hope any and all judgments, if made, are set aside. I speak of my own accord and for no one else.

So here you have it. My unlocked journal for any and all to read. Perhaps you might even gain some insight into who I am and be able to take something from it to enrich your own life.

Ditto