Not-so-lonely V-Day

Dear Journal,

I told you in the start not to expect me to write regularly for very long! But I'm back, baby! And on Valentines Day of all days! If you recall from a previous entry (This one here. ),  I said Valentines Day is my favorite holiday. That remains truer than ever! I love the day dedicated to love. Be bitter about it and call it over-rated and commercialism at its finest if that's what you want to do. OR go out and love someone! Show appreciation to a friend or two, your mom or dad, your co-worker who is slightly taken for granted, show a little extra attention to that guy or gal you've been interested in. Show and share some love! It's such a great and unique feeling to know someone thought of you on this day.
I'l give the I've-been-MIA-so-here-is-an-update-on-life entry another time.

For today, today, I want to express some love. Good ol' L-O-V-E. This love is for someone specific though ;). This love is for my  man, Mikeum (My-kum(I know what you're thinking, you nasty)). I would insert a picture of us, BUUUUT as with a lot of LGBT LDS cases, there are some family issues that are working out before he and I go viral. Yes, we are viral cute.

Mikeum and I met via the magic that is Tinder. We chatted for a bit, this and that. Then the jerk blocked me on everything and ignored me for a couple weeks, seemingly out of no where. I KNOOOW, who would do that!? Utah gays, thats who. Anyway, my charm and cunning ways, intrigued him once again and he couldn't resist. We decided to go on a date/discuss church/gay stuff; church stuff being why he blocked me. Needless to say, he got hooked on Ditto. We meet up and went on several more cute as shit dates, like the Zoo Lights. That was a good date. After he got over himself and realized I wasn't trying to play him, cause I "seemed the type" (bitch please), we decided to just make it what it already was and just date. We started a journey together on New Years Eve. Start the new year off with some homo love and family drama; check that off the 2015 Gay Agenda, please. Skip lots of personal stuff, because it's personal-duh, but mostly because I don't want to type that crap up, and here we are today! Mikeum is someone I didn't necessarily see myself falling for at first. I didn't feel that initial click right off. But man has this boy grown on me. I mean, you should see his SUPER SMASH BROS skills. Mad. Kinda a turn on watching him kick some Falco butt. Also his love for Pokemon. I love Pokemon, he loves Pokemon and we both hate any Pokemon after the first generation. A match made in heaven, right!? I mean, yeah, there is a bunch of personality and character stuff too, of course. And those damn blue eyes. Wait till you see them. This is a guy I can see something great with. And that is something incredible.

Anyway, I would write more but his car broke down and he isn't able to come to SLC for the day, so I'm on my way to surprise him with some flowers and a special book in Provo and the train is pulling in so I gotz to bounce.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! 

Ditto

The Lone Wolf

Dear journal,

So, I've come to the conclusion that no matter how social I've become, how "cool" of I guy I get, and no matter how much effort I make (or try not to make) I will never be part of the crowd or group.  All through high school I was the loner. I was in that weird place where I wasn't un-cool or someone people didn't like, but I wasn't cool enough to be included in the various clicks either. So I sat in between the many groups of people and was always left on my own in the end. Alone at lunch. Alone at recess. Alone on the weekends. Just always alone. People would talk to me or hang out with me now and then. And if I were on the verge of making a regular friend, it didn't last long before I was left alone again. I was always just more of an acquaintance for people than a friend.
Often times people say I should have been more outgoing or that some how I was choosing to be a loner. But you tell me, what teenager in high school WANTS or CHOOSES to be alone with no real friends, to not be a part of some group. NONE. Loners aren't loners for the fun of it. Hell, there is no fun in being a loner. You come back to school on Monday and hear about how everyone had such a fantastic weekend with their BFF's and how they did this or that and your sitting there wishing more than anything you had a BFF to just go to a movie with or sit with at the lunch table. Even the damn band nerds had each other. Loners are loners the same reason someone is "a cool kid" or a "loser", because 1. it's just who they are and 2. their circumstances. I wasn't a loser but I wasn't cool either. How do you even change that!?
Anyway. I thought after high school I had evolved and was no longer a loner. I had friends and was always doing fun stuff with them. People were calling me, THEY called ME, people WANTED to hang out with me. I had successful changed myself from "loner" to someone people enjoyed being around and even wanted to be around.

Finally, I was a "cool guy"! But man, was I ever wrong.

None of that lasted. As it always had in the past, those relationships were fleeting. I had somehow slipped back into that cursed position of "the loner"; to cool to ignore or label a loser, but not cool enough to hang.  Despite my efforts to be someone people like and want to call a friend, I was still on my own.

Even today. I find a group of amazing people I'm cool for a blazing moment and then that blaze fizzles out and I'm squeezed to the background, I become "oh Ditto, yeah, he's a cool guy", time after time.  I once again have to listen to how wonderful a weekend was with everyone or told that they are going to be busy with another "cool" person.

I mean, eff, it's even the pattern my relationships follow.  Im amazing and a great guy for two weeks and then before I know it, I was some fling. Dropped like a hot potato.


So what have I come to figure? I'm destined to be a lone wolf. If I could change it I would, but I'm apparently a loner by nature and that bitch wants it to stay that way.

But that's cool. I like me. Sometimes I even crack myself up and can entertain the hell out of myself. But every once in a while, my week is made by that one invite, or that one "how are you" text. I think it keeps me from feeling forgotten. Which is a legit fear of mine (it's a real thing look it up).

So, I challenge you. Think of someone right now. Someone that you like but dont make a lot of effort to reach out to. And invite them to lunch or a night out. Maybe even just text them and chat for a bit. I promise, you'll make all the difference in their day. 

Well, this loner has to go to work.

The Lone Wolf

* This is not a wo me entry.

Valentines Day

Dear Journal, 

So Valentines day is my favorite holiday. 

So many people hate it, are bitter about it, or just think it's a dumb fake holiday for companies to make money. And yes, the latter one is rather true. But Valentines day is what you make it, really! 

Why do I love Valentines Day? Because it's the day of love! You can't hate something thats all about love, right!?

I love the idea behind Valentines day. I love that its a day to express and SHOW your love for another. I love love. I a sucker for it. Love for a significant other, love between friends...LOVE!
To be honest. I have never had a significant other, or even so much as a date, on any of the V-days I have lived on. I thought I did last year, but I was just being a fool. And I so very much look forward to the V-day that I do have someone. Because on that Valentines day, I will make that person feel like a mother. fucking. king. They will be the most important person to walk the earths green and blue face. But, I believe that V-day is not only a day to show love to and spoil your lover. No! It's a day to to express love and appreciation to everyone that you love and has a special place in your life. I use the magnificent day that Valentines Day is to let my friends know how special they are to me and that they too have a place in my heart and that I greatly appreciate the role they play in my life. I get them flowers and wright them notes. I make sure they, too, feel loved and know I think about them often. 



So for anyone who hates Valentines day or only despises it when they don't have a special someone to spend it with, I think you should look around and consider all the people you do love and have. Let them know that you love them. That you appreciate them. Make them feel special on this special day set aside for expressing love. 

Freaking love. 

Ditto

Who said gods are sexually active?

Dear Journal,

Recently I had a roommate, out of curiosity, ask me questions about being homosexual and mormon. Which, I'm always happy to discuss with people!

One of his questions was (paraphrased); "But what about after this life, when we are creating our own spirit children, two people of the same sex wouldn't be able to do that?"

I mean it's a good question. We know that after this life at some point, assuming we lived to meet the requirements and did all that was needed, we will become as god and start creating our own spirit children and what-nots. So how could a gay god or goddess couple create these spirits?

Well. My response to this is; Who said God is having sex and heavenly mother is popping out little ones left and right? Cause let's be honest, to create all of us that way, all due respect, heavenly father must be poppin the blue pill non-stop and heavenly mother constantly baking some buns in the oven.

Here in Moses 3:5, the lord tells us he created all things spiritually before they were physical.  The key word here is CREATE. As gods we CREATE spirit children. We do not birth spirit children. And that extends to things such as planets. I would hate to think Heavenly Mother had to push all these massive planets out....

Not to mention that Heavenly father didn't really CREATE us. We learn from D&C 93:29 and Abraham 3:22 that we existed as intelligences, even with God, that were "not created or made, neither indeed can be". But that God in fact organized us as intelligences. And it is the organizing that I can only assume is the creating part. 

My point is this: We do not know how God created us. We do not know how we will in turn create more children when we ourselves are gods. So to try and argue that homosexuality is not natural or ordained by God or that "things will be worked out the right way in heaven" by saying that a man and a man or a woman and a woman will not be able to CREATE spirit children is, simply and bluntly, idiotic of the individual. They are assuming that God has sex with his goddess and she births a child. And you know what they say about assuming (it makes you look like an ass).

So yes, I do believe and have full faith that if I marry another male, and if we live worthily of obtaining godhood, that me and my man will create worlds a plenty with beautiful spirit children running around with tails and/or playing with their soul animals. Cause in my worlds, everyone gets a tail and the Golden Compass is real.

Also, my god name will be Zoltron.


Ditto

Building Up

Dear Journal,

Q:Where do you see yourself at age 25?
A: Close to finishing my law degree at NYU Law, if I didn't finish early! And then working for a law firm in New York City!

Q: Married?
A: Of course! I want to get married when I'm about 22 or 23 to whoever the incredible girl is I have been dating for a year or two.

Q: Any kids?
A: Two! Probably not both kids by age 25, ha. But I want at least one by then. I want to have one of my own with my wife and then adopt a child. Some people have like 4 or more kids, but I can not imagine having more than two.

                                                          ~Interview with myself, freshmen year of high school 

Q: Where do you see yourself at age 25?
A: You mean next year...in 9 months? Eff, I don't know! In school, somewhere, hopefully.

Q: Married?
A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Dude, I've never even had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I would love to find someone I fall greatly in love with and settle down. But it's not looking likely ANY time soon.

Q: Any kids?
A: ................like if I knocked some chick up this week, other wise it's not possible. But even then, it's a struggle to provide for myself, much less a little offspring running around.

                                                           ~Interview with myself, today

Needless to say, my life is nothing remotely close to what I envisioned it to be when I was young and naive. All those "Where do you see yourself" worksheets are crap. What's the quote? "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making plans"? Well, I made my plans and life reared it's bitter-sweet bitch face and here I am; feeling unaccomplished and unsure what to do at this point. I feel like I've come to a standstill and my legs are locked at the knees. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there.
I've tried several directions, none quite working out or even being counter-productive. I've dug a hole. Then I dug another hole thinking I'd use the dirt from that hole to climb out of this one, only to find the more I dig, the more dirt I need to get out. So a couple times I've dug sideways, not going down anymore, but no closer to getting out of the hole, just a different spot.
I continue to make plans but life keeps happening. It's not totally bad. I've learned much while in this hole or that hole and while digging them. I've gained experiences from this and that. And above all, I've learned a shit load about myself. A lot of which I now know needs to change or work on, but also some strengths.

But you know what? I'm down here in this hole. And I'm going to go all Minecraft on its ass. I don't yet have the tools I need to get back to the surface and I'm slightly lost down here, running low on torches. But it's below the surface that you find all the materials needed to build, not only more torches, but bigger and better things on the surface.
So, for the time being, I'll make my home here in this hole of mine. I'll go out and I'll find the materials I need and combine them with the ones I have already. With them, I'll build my home here in this hole. I'll fortify my hole and I'll expand my hole (Get your mind out of the gutter, ya nasty). I do not plan to live here long. Slowly, I will find the materials to build a staircase. And step by step I will make my way out of the hole I've called home. The building I do here will become the foundation for the home I build upon the surface. And that home will be grand. With all that I learn and collect while focusing on my current renovation, I will build a more stable and beautiful home.

I don't know what materials I will find along the way, some are much more rare than others, coming across them only by chance, and I don't know all the tools I may need.

But I figure I'll start with some goals and, as I learned on my mission, make smaller goals that lead to achieving the larger goal. I can't build the house without first collecting the wood and then fashioning the hammer. So my first goal is collecting the wood.

Here are a couple Im striving for:

Get back to school. Even if it's not BYU. I'm looking at UVU right now.

Actually thats my only goal right now.....

I've been thinking about joining the reserves, Air Force, as a way to help pay for it. That's the last resort though.

So with that, I'm off to start my building.

Ditto

A Deck Of Wilds

Dear Journal,

When I'm playing a game of cards, say like UNO or another game that has 'wild' cards, I find that I hope for a wild card. Every draw or cad dealt, I have that little wish that it'll be a 'wild'. I think to myself, "Please be a wild, please be a wild." I hope for a wild card. I get excited when I draw that wild card. And I plan my hand around the wild card(s). However, 97% of the time after flipping the card over I find it is not the wild I had just pleaded for, the card I needed that would of given me two possible winning hands, but rather some useless three or a King that, yeah I could use, but now I also need a dang Jack or a Queen. And I feel slightly let down. And I repeat the plead for a 'wild' each time my turn comes around; and more turns than not, I draw a slightly disappointing card.


You know what is like drawing cards? Life. Except with life, you're hoping for that three or the King in a deck full of wilds.

Life deals you wild cards all the freaking time. You really never know whats coming next. I mean, four months ago I never would of even imagined I'd be sitting here in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania. When I graduated high school I had planned on being graduated from college by now and close to finishing law school. That was the hand I had planned to build and lay down. But here I sit. Waynesboro, PA, not close to graduating and planning to go into advertising/event planning. Why? Because of life's abundance of wild cards.

I've long been at the conclusion, no one can truly know where they will be in 10 years. Five years, even just one year, is hard enough to predict. Anything could happen. I planned to attend NYU and live in NYC as an attorney and aspired to be a judge one day. Then my turn came to draw and I drew the "become mormon and go to BYU" card. I was okay with that card, it just meant I needed to change my hand up some. Okay, so that wasn't expected, but next turn, I just need a 'graduation card' and then I can focus on getting the 'law school' card.

"Your turn, Ditto."

"Oh, cool. Come on graduation, please graduation, graduation, I just need...." "Dang it! Another wild."

And you go through the game, turn after turn, hoping to draw the one card you need, the one card to complete your hand and move on to phase 5, especially since everyone else seems to be on phase 7 already!

And that's all we can really do. Look at the hand we've been dealt, see what direction we want to go, build our hand as we go, and hope for the three or the King that we would really like to draw that would make the game so much more convenient. All the while life is dealing out the wilds and changing up your hand.

Not to say that you can't control where you go or what you do. Just like in the card game, you can choose to continue to build the hand you originally planned to play, making changes here and there as the cards are drawn. But a lot of times, you have to change your plans and keep playing as the wilds come, inserting your more set cards when you can and try your hardest to make the wilds work in your favor.

But sometimes, you just need to pull that ace out of your sleeve and create your own hand.

Life's wild cards come in all aspects of our lives: work, school, friendships/relationships, personal desires/beliefs, and even as things like natural disasters or the choices of other people.  Some of them are great and add to our hand, or our lives, others are disappointing and make our hand more difficult to play.

All you can do is add it to your hand and work with it, hoping your next draw is all the more in your favor.

Ditto

Restarting

Dear Journal,

I did it. I didn't go to washington, but I still did it, I just went. I packed up and got the hell out of Provo. The plan is to be away till at least December. But only time will tell how long I will stay. Till I feel good about going back I guess. Till memories can fade and I can stop caring so much.

But in the mean time, this is my time to restart things. I don't want to start over. I just want to restart things. I see how that sounds like the same thing, starting over and restarting. But the difference is starting over implies all new, the intention to change things and do it differently. While restarting implies nothing will be new or undone, but just gives you the chance to refresh and try again. I probably did a terrible job at explaining the difference or you may not see it as two different meanings. But That's how I see it, and it being my journal, that's what it is.

This is my time to be able to completely move on from things and situations and people that I left behind. Time for me to sit back and examine myself. To examine what Me, Myself, and I want out of the next 5 years, 10 years, and just out of my life. I'm getting scared of the future, it's not looking bright for me at this point. I haven't done my best or given it my all. And it's time for me to re-focus myself and get determined. I refuse to not have a bright future. I didn't make it this far and over come circumstances to just be mediocre. I am Scott Zackery Ditto and I plan to live up to who I am, who I know I will be. I've been being stupid and losing sight of me. I've been putting too many others before myself and to no avail.

Waynesboro, Pennsylvania. This is where I will restart, examine, and re-focus. This is where I leave things to the past and focus on the current. I'm not in Provo, UT anymore and neither will be my thoughts.

It's been a rough start. I don't know anyone out here, no friends. I've meet a few people but all to far to see regularly. I even met a guy that seems to be genuinely interested in me, which is something new for me. But it has it's complications and I have my insecurities. Just another thing to work on resetting. There aren't as many work opportunities as I was hoping there'd be. I've started working part-time at PACSUN, which is my favorite clothing store, so I'm excited for that! Also, I'm going to be planning some traveling and road-trips while I'm out here on the east coast. I can go check out D.C., Baltimore, Philly and Pittsburgh. Also some other cool things like Hershey Park and Gettysburg, PA. But the most exciting one, that I'm thrilled more than anything about, is the chance to go to NYC! NYC is my dream and it's only 4 hours away! (And don't you dare try to explain to me why NYC isn't all that great or what people make it out to be. I'm not so naive as to think it's some perfect city. It's a city and like every city has it's dirty, dangerous, and unattractive side. But it's a city and like every city it has it culture and it's diversity and its beauty with endless opportunities and life. Pet-Peeve of mine: People trying to diminish my grand view of NYC. It's the best place on earth, bitches, so shut it.) I don't have much to do, anywhere to go, or anyone to see. I've been bored out of my mind like never before.

I miss my friends and the familiarity of Utah. I miss meeting people and making a new friend every time I turn the conner. I miss walking every where. But this, to get away, is what I need and what is best for me at this point. I need to restart. I know I will find what is here for me. If there was nothing here for me, then I wouldn't have ended up here. I look forward to returning to Provo and my familiar life there. But I hope that it will not be so familiar. If it is, I failed my time here in Waynesboro. I look forward to returning to Provo, but Provo for now is history and I'm too busy getting caught up in my present and working towards my future. If that includes Provo again, is yet to be known.

I am Scott Zackery Ditto, restarted.

Ditto

P.S. I still need to write out Reason 3, I haven't forgotten. I just haven't been in the writing mood of late. 

Sometimes you wish you hadn't got out of bed.

Dear journal,

I don't want to be one of those "wo is me" writers all the time. But since it's my journal....I do wha I want. I'm generally I happy care-free guy, but these last couple months have been downers.

Today was an awful day. Someone I love and care a great deal for decided to go and cut me out of his life. His reasoning (which it's a very long and complicated story), is what it is. I don't agree with it, nor he agree with mine. It's been a very bitter-sweet roller coaster kinda relationship with him. And I've always known I should leave it be and forget him, for my own sake. But I mean, when you love someone, what you know to be best and what you feel don't always agree. Often times, the heart dominates the brain. This person I love, we haven't been anything for a while other than friends -well- a dysfunctional resemblance of a friendship. Let's just say it was very one-sided, again, I knew this but chose to look past it due to the way I felt. Anyway. Like I said, today our some-kind-of-relationship came to an end. It's kinda devastating. I think about it, and all I feel is great sadness and struggle to comprehend that it's over, I'll probably never see this person I care so much for again. It's very depressing.

So there was that. My day had been fully crapped upon. And it'll probably stink up my whole week.

Aaaaaaaaannnnd then, I realized tonight that I have alienated myself from my friends. Due to another long story, though shorter than the first one, I decided it would be best for me to distance myself from, not my friends, but a particular person and situation, which consequently meant distancing myself from my friends. I felt like it was the best thing to do for myself. I thought I would take time to figure things out and allow myself to really move one and just focus on me. But as time went one, I grew more and more lonely. I wanted more with each day to be with them. But I was convinced, that for my own sake, I needed to be removed. I thought that it would be okay, I thought that they would understand. I thought that when I felt i was ready, I would be able to go back to them and it would be like it was before I had to leave them. But I seem to have been wrong. I feel a distance between them and myself. I feel no longer like i'm a part of that group. I know they would disagree and say I'm still one of them and I know I am. But theres still that feeling of....not the same. And it's my fault. I did this to myself. I distanced myself from them and in that time a distance grew between us.
But what really vomited on top of my crapped on day was that I found out some of them decided to live together. Now normally thats whatever. But one of the guys they are moving in with, the long story guy......IDK how to word it. Basically, I'm butt hurt and upset about it. I feel like I introduced him to everyone, stuff happens, everyone starts to love the hell out of him, I go away, they all become butt-buddies and BFF's for life and decide to live together and I'm left feeling like I'm on the outside looking in and getting all sad and shit cause no one thought to ask me to live with them.

But it's all whatever. I'm probably to effing sensitive to this crap. Such is life. I'll get over it and be back at square one. The problem is my dwelling mind that drags this mess out and refuses to let me just get over it. But I always eventually get over it.

So yeah, today emotionally blew. I'm working on not caring about anything, considering both long story #1 and long story #2 told me to "just stop" caring.

So.....WHATEVER.

Ditto

My happy place

Dear Journal,

I had previously wrote about how I felt as if I had lost some of my friends. I've taken that down, I wrote that while not in a good mood or place.  The truth is that it's just a difficult situation.
I have some of the most amazing friends. I know everyone thinks that. But someone out there has to actually have the most amazing friends, and I'm confident that it's me.

My friends are my world. By friends I mean the ones that I love more than myself and would go up against the world for. I have always treasured my friendships and put them before myself. I would with out hesitation give up anything for them. If I had the worlds greatest opportunity and all I had to do was jump two times, but at the same time one of my friends were in great need, I would tell the opportunity to shove it and tend to my friend. The bond that exist between friends is the most beautiful thing I can imagine. My friends are my most cherished blessings from Heavenly Father. Friends are one's escape from the world. Friends make the world seem so much smaller and as if you have some value. I didn't have friends growing up. When I finally discovered life with some friends, I changed. I saw the world differently, I felt like a better happier person. To have someone that you have a bond with is like nothing else. When your world seems to be going wrong or life is giving you lemons, often times almost rotten one, it's friends that lend you the sugar and anything else you need to make lemonade.
Someone once asked me:
"Where is your happy place, Ditto?"
Everyone gave a place they like to go to back home or somewhere they once traveled.
"My happy place? In the middle of a burning building with no hope of escaping right next to my best friend. At work cleaning the toilets next to a friend. Eating fries at McDonalds because my friend hates Wendys. I'd say at my friends side is my happy place."
I can not begin to explain how deep my love for my friends runs. I know for a fact, I would gladly and readily give my own life for any one of my friends. I give of myself excessively to friends, whether that is reciprocated or not, it matters not.

But when that love and friendship is reciprocated, it is the most incredible euphoria life has. That validation of your friendship, that knowledge that your love and friendship is not over-looked or taken for granted makes life worth living more than anything I can think of.

I have the most amazing friends. Because they do love and care for me. They are there for me when I need them and always putting a smile on my face and stand waiting with sugar and juicer in hand.

To them, I say this: I love you. I love you above all else. And I'm not even exaggerating. Like I wish I could express just what you truly mean to me in my life. You keep me afloat and you fill my life with more meaning than anything ever will. I consider you a blessing from God, and one I do not take for granted and give thanks for in prayer. I will drop anything for you and I will give anything. I don't care if it's been twenty plus years we haven't talked or seen one another. I don't care the distance.  I will be on the next flight out. If you remember only one thing about me; remember this:

I love you. and it's unconditional. 

Sometimes I may seem distant or might even be upset with you. But my love for you will out rank any other thing. You could kill my dog and burn my house down. I may be extremely pissed at you. But I'll be right there helping you get the smell of smoke out of your clothes and making sure you didn't burn yourself.

You are my family.

Sean- You are my brother-from-another-mother for life.
Clayton- You're so good at strategy (and life) it pisses me off.
Mark W.- You're probably the only person I've ever meet that is chiller than myself.
Natasha- You are the kindest most loving person anyone will ever know.
Bridgitte- You so outgoing and a friend everyone you meet.
Daniel- You get me.
Matt- You're extremely thoughtful about life. I enjoy listening to you talk.
Bryan- You're like the perfectly well rounded guy ever and so welcoming.
Carson- You're considerate, understanding, and easy to open up to, knowing no judgement will come.
Meredith- You're super easy to chill with and I'm sure to have a good time with you no matter what.
Chris- Also easy to have a good time with and sure to put a smile on everyones face.
Natalie- You are generous and caring. Always ready to give of yourself.
Stewart- You always have concern for others.
Angie- You've helped more than I can say. You're always there for people and ready with advice.
Mark L.- You're probably one of my most favorite people I have met.
Jordan B.- You are so considerate of others and loving. I will never forget the time we went sledding and you walked me hand in hand across the icy edge of the pond.

Friendship is so important and needs to be nourished and valued above anything else.

Ditto

And this one is a sweet song from ADVENTURE TIME: You are my best friends in the world

Equality is well on it's way

Dear journal,

Today is a special day. The Supreme court began reviewing prop 8 and DOMA! If they get overturned,  the "same-sex"marriage debate will be over!

I woke up this morning and quickly turned on my computer to check in on the status of the rulings and all the stuff going on around it. While watching and seeing all the support on Facebook, twitter, and the speeches given in D.C., I started crying.  I was so happy and excited! I AM so happy and excited! Things are changing. The majority of the people are in favor of "same-sex" marriage. I could go off on all these thoughts and feeling about the topic. But for now, I am just so elated and beyond words excited.

I wore red today and my Facebook and the internet were blowing up red. Today in My EMT class several of the students asked me about my button, resembling this picture.

And it opened up a great discussion about the Supreme court cases and marriage equality. Which also lead to being gay and mormon. But it was an awesome discussion. The whole class was super cool and supportive. Haha, in fact, I think I may have become a little more popular with them all, haha. 

One day. I will marry a boy named Jake. And I will not have to worry about which state I live in. I will not need to worry about any legal issues should a death between us happen or any other legal crap. We will be able to live happily. As man and man.

This is a wonderful time.


Live updates

Ditto

Leaving on a jet plane

Dear journal,

I just want to go. I want to go somewhere new. Somewhere no one knows me and I know no one. A place to just leave things and people behind and start over. No past or history with anyone. No memories anywhere. It would be a chance to reinvent and re-distinguish myself. And everything so new. A place I can just disappear.

No one has preconceived notions of me. And I of no one else. I can truly become and be a new person, the person Ive wanted to be. No longer bound by the expectations those I know have developed and have for me.

To be able to leave thoughts and care of people behind, no longer burdened by the constant thoughts and memories of times changed or relationships lost. To be able to walk down the street and not have to think about that IHOP being your first date. Or that park was your first kiss. To be able to move on without the constant reminders of how good it was or the hopes and expectations you had. 

But most appealing; The opportunity to reinvent myself. I did it when I left Texas and came to Utah. It's about time to do it again. To re-distiguish myself. And not just with the people around me but with myself. A new place, a new Ditto.

I have the soul of a gypsy. All growing up we moved literaly every two-three years for one reason or another. From one home to another, one town to the next. I hated it. But its stuck with me. I can't stay in one place for to long. On my LDS mission, by the second or third month in one city, I was ready to move to the next. Here at BYU, I feel like I need to move to a new house and area of provo every semester. It just gets to a point when I have to leave to change my surroundings . And its not just applicable to my location. I cant stand work that never changes. Im going to need a career that changes from time to time. So no accounting for me ;)

I've been itching to go. To go somewhere new. The gypsy in me is yerning to move on. To find and experiance something new. 

The only thing that keeps me from just going is 1. My friends here. I love them and they mean the world to me. I would do anything for them, literally. And it would kill me to just up and leave them behind. Not to mention I'm a type of person that needs those close relationships, "crave them", my therapist says. And so the idea of losing that is one that scares me. 2. My mother would call the national guard to find me. 

I'm going to do it, journal. This Summer. I'm going to go. I'm going to start over somewhere new. I'm thinking Washington. But maybe New York, like I've always dreamed. Or San Francisco. I don't know! For how long? I don't know! You never know where you'll end up. I'm no where near where I thought I would be just one year ago, much less six months ago!  

"Like I need to go to Crossasia so bad."

Ditto

Chivalry isn't so outdated after all

Dear journal,

As far as family roles and dating goes, I've always considered myself a modern day guy. I don't feel like I have to be the one to ask a girl on a date based off the fact that I am a male. Or that it's my responsibility to pay for that date every time because, again, I have the outward facing genitals. And I've always pictured my wife (assuming I marry a woman ;)) having her own successful career.
I've always felt that opening doors and all that jazz was just kinda over the top and out-dated. I mean it's a nice gesture and what not. But yeah.

Until recently.

I was going on dates with this one guy, we'll call him ThisBoy. We were't anything serious and had been on maybe one date before. But this date, ThisBoy took me to *IHOPE for breakfast. While paying for the check, the waitress approached us and told us the cook (who had seated us) thought [ThisBoy] was cute and wanted to see if he could get his number. ThisBoy said no, he doesn't give his number out and sent the check with her. While sitting there I asked why didn't you give him your number? "because that was extremely rude of him and pisses me off that he would ask". At first I was a little taken back and thought ThisBoy was over reacting and being kinda harsh. But he continued; "It's obvious I'm on a date with you". I don't know where I was going with that, but it kinda made me feel really good about ThisBoy and respected. But I mention that because it was only the beginning.
Walking to the car, ThisBoy went to the passenger side-door.
I was like, is he wanting me to drive? He must need to grab something. Wha..what the... "what are you doing, ha?"
"I'm opening the door for you, duh"
"uh...okay, thanks."
Again I was taken back a little. And again, I felt the same feelings as moments before.
We spent some more time together that day and then he took me home.
"Here we are" were not his exact words.
"Thanks for the ride ho....where are you going?" I asked all confused like as he got out of the car.
"I'm walking you to the door"
............It's like 15 feet, "uh, okay".  And again, the same feelings.

Those feelings were feelings of being respected and excitement that he was so amazing. It made me feel like I was more than just another guy. Thinking back on the date and ThisBoy opening the car door for me and walking me to my door is my favorite memory of ThisBoy and our date. He made me feel good about myself and greatly impressed me with those two simple small acts. I never thought someone would do such a thing for me or like me enough to do it.  And of course it made me like him  40X more, haha. I was surprised not only that he did those things, but I was surprised by the way it made me feel. It was a completely new experience for me.

Thanks to ThisBoy, my perspective on the simple acts of opening a door for your date and walking them to the door are changed.


I've always said: 'The type of girl I marry will be the girl that asks me out". But now I can't wait to marry the person that opens the door for me and walks me to the door.

*Spell out 'IHOP' and say "ness";) Hahaha, I love it.

Ditto

I am Scott Zackery Ditto. Ditto to most.

Dear Journal,

This being my journal and writing about my life and thoughts and all that junk, there's something you'd need to know to better know me and understand me. Something that is a large part of my life and a big part of what makes me...me, And yet it's not. Its just another little insignificant part of me that makes me who I am.

I, Scott Zackery Ditto, am bisexual.

I sometimes just say gay, cause it's easier to explain and people can comprehend that better than the vague therm that is "bi". So what does that mean? It means I am sexually AND romantically attracted to male and female humans. I've concluded that I am 70-80% gay and 30-20% straight (depending on the day). Meaning, I am more attracted to males and a wider variety of males, than I am to females.

Now that you understand that, lets talk about it. Some of you may be surprised and some of you may not be so surprised, and then some of you already know. And I know that some of you may have questions or thoughts. I would love to answer them and discuss anything with you. Just ask.

The first question I usually get is: "But you're Mormon"

Yes, I am Mormon! And I know the current doctrine and the current position The LDS Church has on homosexuality. However. I also know that just because I am gay, does not mean the church is not true. I continue to have faith in my religion and will always continue to have that faith. Even if I were to be excommunicated one day, I would still attend church on Sundays and practice my LDS beliefs. How do I reconcile my faith and my sexual orientation? Simple. I do not believe there is anything to reconcile. I can not believe homosexuality is in any way hated by Heavenly Father. If it is, he is not the all loving and inclusive God I have come to know and love. I have three main reasons I believe this and have full faith in. But those are for a future entry. (Here is the future entry.)

Next comes: "If you're bi, why don't you just date/marry girls"
Who knows maybe I will. The way it is for me is I like and fall in love with who I like and fall in love with. If I happen to meet a fine young lady that I love and marry first, so be it! But if I meet a fine young gentleman that I love and marry first, all the same! Either way, I know I will be happy and fulfilled.

There are lots of questions and I have my answers, so if you have some, ask away. But I don't want this to be a super long entry ;)

Now that you know.....now what? What happens? What changes? How should you react, treat me, or think of me?

Nothing happens. Nothing changes. You react like you just found out I like the color green (which I do). You treat me as you always have. And you think kindly and loving of me. If anything, you think of me as brave and strong.
Why brave and strong? Because thats what it takes to be any kind of gay in this world. And even more of it to "come out" to people. I am 100% confident in my sexuality. I have no issues with being gay; socially, religiously, or personally. But to sit down, look your mother in the face after twenty three years of hearing that being gay is a sin and is disgusting from your family, your friends, leaders, role models, and preachers, is the most un-nerving, emotionally racking, and scariest thing someone will ever do. It takes courage to be gay in our world. To walk down the street holding hands with the person you love and hear someone on the other side of the street yell out at you "Fucking Fagots" and to still hold your head high. To listen to your best friends discuss how gross gay guys are and how they would beat them up if one ever hit on them. Or to go to church. To go to church, a place you seek for upliftment and guidance, and have to  listen to the preacher give a sermon on the great abomination that you are and that you are never going to go to heaven. No, you will go to hell and burn. Because God, the one being who you should be able to turn to for unconditional love hates you.
Yes. Think of me and every other homosexual person as brave and strong.

Why "Come out"?
I've never even thought about coming out until recently. I didn't feel it was something I needed to do or should have to do. The only time I brought it up or told anyone was if it was relevant to the conversation/situation or important for someone to know. I wasn't closeted but I wasn't "out" either.
I decided to "come out" for a few reasons. First. Because I can not stand to be just sit back anymore and watch/listen to the hate and stupidity of people towards homosexuals anymore.  I mean watch this video and tell me that is what God wants. Which is the bigger abomination to God: Me loving a man or people hating, condemning, and killing people in the name of God because they love the same sex? I "came out" because I want to be a voice for myself and fellow homo's. I want to help change the way people view homosexuals. And it has to start with myself. Second. I want to be open and honest with all the people I know and love. It's a part of who I am. To truly know me and love me, you must truly know me. Third, while I haven't treated it as a secret and am in no way ashamed of being bisexual, it is a big burden lifted to say it and for people to know.

I am the same person I have been. I am Scott Zackery Ditto. I am bisexual. I am a son, a brother, a friend. I am white. American. 5'11. I'm Mormon. A student at BYU. More a liberal than anything else. I love Chinese food. I get shy in large groups. I love people and give the benefit of the doubt to a fault. I cry when I see the dark side of people. I also cry watching Lilo and Sticth. I love dogs.

Ditto

John 13:34

Dear journal,

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am and the things I stand for. Usually, I am super moderate on most things. I often see and understand things from both sides and accept that there is never just the one way and that both (or all 74) ways have their pros and cons. But there is one thing that stands out to me above all things when I think about what I stand for. I stand for love. Of course I think most people do. But it for me it is the thing I will fight for. I would protest for. I would dedicate my time and life to. Above all things I stand for love.

When I say love, I don't simply mean the common understanding of love which is something that two people share when they have a special connection or the bonds of family. The love I mean is acceptance. This love is tolerance. Respect. It's loving your fellow human the way Christ intended when he told us to love. Loving someone no matter race, sex, sexual orientation, religion or lack of, abortion beliefs, or political views, ethnicity, or citizenship. The love I stand for is all this and so much more.

Nothing bothers me more in this world than the evident lack of this love. When my grandfather calls a man from the middle east a "Sand nigger" with the tone of disdain. When a white man speaks of a mexican man or black man as if he is some how less of a human than he is. When the student behind me in class claims that if he ever found out his brother was a homosexual he would beat it out of him. While driving through the Chick-fil-a drive-tru my friends mother remarks how much of an idiot the lady is because she got the drink order wrong and probably is a high school drop out. Or on the much larger scales; of nations going to war because of race or religion, homosexuals being refused marriage rights, and the Ugandan government attempting to pass a law that allows for the legal killing of homosexuals. Anything, racist, sexist, or that does not show respect, tolerance, or acceptance of any other individual. It is one of the few things that angers me. That makes me feel disgust and disdain. It's something that I just will never be able to comprehend; how can anyone feel any of these things towards another person?
I'm not innocent of cracking mexican or black jokes. I've laughed at "your mammas so fat" statements. And I have an issue with cross-dressers and sex-changes. However, I don't genuinely believe or mean any of them. I believe finding the humor in the stereotypes. I mean, people didn't just pull the stereotypes out their butts, they come from a smidgin of truth. And I still have complete respect and tolerance for those who chose to have a sex change. But its when the line is crossed that it becomes that lack of love. When the jokes are no longer simply a joke.

My mother says when I was born I cried furiously and the nurse told her I was mad at the world. I'm not mad at it, I understand we are all human. I am just greatly disappointed in it.

 I stand for love and I will dedicate my life to encouraging it. I will forever fiercely fight hate.

Ditto

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." -Christ

The start of....something.

Dear Journal,

My problem with journal writing is 1. Keeping up with it, and 2. Knowing what to write. I mean, will my future readers care that I went to the gym today or that I fell down and embarrassed myself in front of a bunch of people?
If I were the future reader, I wouldn't care. No, when I read a journal, I'm looking for the real good stuff. I want to really get an insight into the person who decided to write it all down. If I'm taking the time to read about them then I want to really get to know them. The good, the bad, the ugly, the why, etc. What does this person think while they lie in bed at night staring into the dark? And then I want to learn form them. What can I take from their life, their beliefs, their understandings and use to improve my own? It's a chance to view the world from another perspective.
And so that's what I hope to do with this journal. I want to allow others an honest view into my life. My own good, bad, and ugly. I want to share my view on life and all that comes with it. Maybe after reading my entries you might see something in a different light, better understand the other side of an idea, or even think of something you never have before.

Keep in mind, this is my personal journal. In it I will leave my personal thoughts, problems, opinions, desires, and beliefs. I will be open, honest, and unbashful. You may not agree with or like them all; however, I would hope you wouldn't simply write anything off as wrong or ridiculous. No ones honest opinion or beliefs are wrong or ridiculous. And above all, I hope any and all judgments, if made, are set aside. I speak of my own accord and for no one else.

So here you have it. My unlocked journal for any and all to read. Perhaps you might even gain some insight into who I am and be able to take something from it to enrich your own life.

Ditto