Welcome back to Provo, UT

Dear journal,

Well, it's been a few months. I even forgot I had this journal for a little bit. So I'd say it's about time for an entry. How about just an update on Ditto?

So a few months ago, back in May-ish. I was in a pretty low place. I was depressed, I was lonely, I was struggling to make ends meet, and I just was not happy. I had done so poorly in school that I was suspended from byu for a full year. I originally looked at that time away from byu to take some time and focus on myself and figuring things out, to get back in a good place. I decided to take an EMT course at a tech college. I did alright, but in the end I decided it wasn't for me. After that, My sister-in-law called me one day and offered me the opportunity to fly out and live with them for a few months and work and save up some money. I took the offer and found myself in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania for the next six months. Where is Waynesboro, PA? Uh, kinda in the middle of no where along the PA-MD border. While I was more than grateful to my brother and sister-in-law, it just wasn't the place for me and I was more than eager to get back to Utah. Now, thats not to say I did not enjoy my time in Waynesboro. I really loved being able to get to know my two nieces and being a part of their lives for a bit. I was working at PacSun, Americas Best as an optician, Coach, and serving at a restaurant. I worked with some awesome people who I really came to love and enjoy. But the area just was not for me and I greatly missed my friends and second home.
After Waynesboro, I was able to go home for the Christmas break! I got to see my long time best friends from home, Mark Webster and Bridget Casterino! Natasha Hakata just didn't plan her time very well and didn't get to see me ;) I love them now and forever and they will always be my closest friends no matter how little we see one another or how long it's been since. While seeing them and family again was great, the best part of my short time home was a boy named Zachary. We started talking and decided to go on a date (within the bounds of the BYU Honor Code, of course). And he quickly became one of my favorite people in the world. He's honestly the most perfect guy I've ever met and had the privilege to spend time with. Zach will always have his claim to the fondest part of my heart! And I will never stop trying to talk Zach into transferring to BYU. Unfortunately, well, more bitter-sweet than unfortunate, the time came for me to return to Provo!
And so here I am. Again at BYU and struggling to keep my grades above failing and balancing everything.  Things aren't the same as when I left. Most all my friends have moved away. So I've been trying to get out and make some new ones. I've switched my major to Public Relations, which I'm excited for. I think I'll excel in P.R. more than I would in Advertising...assuming I get into the program, ha.
And so that is the major events of the last few months and the general update on yours truly.

At some point during all that I like to think I've grown and have changed. Have learned a couple things about myself and life. One thing being, just like the Disney song "let it go" in Frozen says, "It's funny how some distance makes everything seem so small". Mostly, I realized I need to stop focusing on others, no matter how much I love them or how important they are to me, and I need to focus on myself, do whats best for myself, and not always put my friends before me. Because most the time, most of them don't care as much as I do. I still love my friends more than anything and would do anything for them. But I'm done with and over one-sided relationships of any type. I'm willing to go the 90% for anyone, but if they don't even go the 10%, they are not worth my time, energy or emotions. And for me, that realization is a huge burden lifted off me. And even refreshing and in a way, freeing. Over all I've grown for the better. I now know I need to find my happiness in myself and not in others, because when they fall away or leave me hanging, my happiness wont go with them. And thats where I'm at, journal

I'll try to stay up with this, it just really depends on how my timing with classes and homework go. I need to focus on and put school before anything else right now. And I'm no good at that.

Ditto

Sometimes you wish you hadn't got out of bed.

Dear journal,

I don't want to be one of those "wo is me" writers all the time. But since it's my journal....I do wha I want. I'm generally I happy care-free guy, but these last couple months have been downers.

Today was an awful day. Someone I love and care a great deal for decided to go and cut me out of his life. His reasoning (which it's a very long and complicated story), is what it is. I don't agree with it, nor he agree with mine. It's been a very bitter-sweet roller coaster kinda relationship with him. And I've always known I should leave it be and forget him, for my own sake. But I mean, when you love someone, what you know to be best and what you feel don't always agree. Often times, the heart dominates the brain. This person I love, we haven't been anything for a while other than friends -well- a dysfunctional resemblance of a friendship. Let's just say it was very one-sided, again, I knew this but chose to look past it due to the way I felt. Anyway. Like I said, today our some-kind-of-relationship came to an end. It's kinda devastating. I think about it, and all I feel is great sadness and struggle to comprehend that it's over, I'll probably never see this person I care so much for again. It's very depressing.

So there was that. My day had been fully crapped upon. And it'll probably stink up my whole week.

Aaaaaaaaannnnd then, I realized tonight that I have alienated myself from my friends. Due to another long story, though shorter than the first one, I decided it would be best for me to distance myself from, not my friends, but a particular person and situation, which consequently meant distancing myself from my friends. I felt like it was the best thing to do for myself. I thought I would take time to figure things out and allow myself to really move one and just focus on me. But as time went one, I grew more and more lonely. I wanted more with each day to be with them. But I was convinced, that for my own sake, I needed to be removed. I thought that it would be okay, I thought that they would understand. I thought that when I felt i was ready, I would be able to go back to them and it would be like it was before I had to leave them. But I seem to have been wrong. I feel a distance between them and myself. I feel no longer like i'm a part of that group. I know they would disagree and say I'm still one of them and I know I am. But theres still that feeling of....not the same. And it's my fault. I did this to myself. I distanced myself from them and in that time a distance grew between us.
But what really vomited on top of my crapped on day was that I found out some of them decided to live together. Now normally thats whatever. But one of the guys they are moving in with, the long story guy......IDK how to word it. Basically, I'm butt hurt and upset about it. I feel like I introduced him to everyone, stuff happens, everyone starts to love the hell out of him, I go away, they all become butt-buddies and BFF's for life and decide to live together and I'm left feeling like I'm on the outside looking in and getting all sad and shit cause no one thought to ask me to live with them.

But it's all whatever. I'm probably to effing sensitive to this crap. Such is life. I'll get over it and be back at square one. The problem is my dwelling mind that drags this mess out and refuses to let me just get over it. But I always eventually get over it.

So yeah, today emotionally blew. I'm working on not caring about anything, considering both long story #1 and long story #2 told me to "just stop" caring.

So.....WHATEVER.

Ditto

My happy place

Dear Journal,

I had previously wrote about how I felt as if I had lost some of my friends. I've taken that down, I wrote that while not in a good mood or place.  The truth is that it's just a difficult situation.
I have some of the most amazing friends. I know everyone thinks that. But someone out there has to actually have the most amazing friends, and I'm confident that it's me.

My friends are my world. By friends I mean the ones that I love more than myself and would go up against the world for. I have always treasured my friendships and put them before myself. I would with out hesitation give up anything for them. If I had the worlds greatest opportunity and all I had to do was jump two times, but at the same time one of my friends were in great need, I would tell the opportunity to shove it and tend to my friend. The bond that exist between friends is the most beautiful thing I can imagine. My friends are my most cherished blessings from Heavenly Father. Friends are one's escape from the world. Friends make the world seem so much smaller and as if you have some value. I didn't have friends growing up. When I finally discovered life with some friends, I changed. I saw the world differently, I felt like a better happier person. To have someone that you have a bond with is like nothing else. When your world seems to be going wrong or life is giving you lemons, often times almost rotten one, it's friends that lend you the sugar and anything else you need to make lemonade.
Someone once asked me:
"Where is your happy place, Ditto?"
Everyone gave a place they like to go to back home or somewhere they once traveled.
"My happy place? In the middle of a burning building with no hope of escaping right next to my best friend. At work cleaning the toilets next to a friend. Eating fries at McDonalds because my friend hates Wendys. I'd say at my friends side is my happy place."
I can not begin to explain how deep my love for my friends runs. I know for a fact, I would gladly and readily give my own life for any one of my friends. I give of myself excessively to friends, whether that is reciprocated or not, it matters not.

But when that love and friendship is reciprocated, it is the most incredible euphoria life has. That validation of your friendship, that knowledge that your love and friendship is not over-looked or taken for granted makes life worth living more than anything I can think of.

I have the most amazing friends. Because they do love and care for me. They are there for me when I need them and always putting a smile on my face and stand waiting with sugar and juicer in hand.

To them, I say this: I love you. I love you above all else. And I'm not even exaggerating. Like I wish I could express just what you truly mean to me in my life. You keep me afloat and you fill my life with more meaning than anything ever will. I consider you a blessing from God, and one I do not take for granted and give thanks for in prayer. I will drop anything for you and I will give anything. I don't care if it's been twenty plus years we haven't talked or seen one another. I don't care the distance.  I will be on the next flight out. If you remember only one thing about me; remember this:

I love you. and it's unconditional. 

Sometimes I may seem distant or might even be upset with you. But my love for you will out rank any other thing. You could kill my dog and burn my house down. I may be extremely pissed at you. But I'll be right there helping you get the smell of smoke out of your clothes and making sure you didn't burn yourself.

You are my family.

Sean- You are my brother-from-another-mother for life.
Clayton- You're so good at strategy (and life) it pisses me off.
Mark W.- You're probably the only person I've ever meet that is chiller than myself.
Natasha- You are the kindest most loving person anyone will ever know.
Bridgitte- You so outgoing and a friend everyone you meet.
Daniel- You get me.
Matt- You're extremely thoughtful about life. I enjoy listening to you talk.
Bryan- You're like the perfectly well rounded guy ever and so welcoming.
Carson- You're considerate, understanding, and easy to open up to, knowing no judgement will come.
Meredith- You're super easy to chill with and I'm sure to have a good time with you no matter what.
Chris- Also easy to have a good time with and sure to put a smile on everyones face.
Natalie- You are generous and caring. Always ready to give of yourself.
Stewart- You always have concern for others.
Angie- You've helped more than I can say. You're always there for people and ready with advice.
Mark L.- You're probably one of my most favorite people I have met.
Jordan B.- You are so considerate of others and loving. I will never forget the time we went sledding and you walked me hand in hand across the icy edge of the pond.

Friendship is so important and needs to be nourished and valued above anything else.

Ditto

And this one is a sweet song from ADVENTURE TIME: You are my best friends in the world

Leaving on a jet plane

Dear journal,

I just want to go. I want to go somewhere new. Somewhere no one knows me and I know no one. A place to just leave things and people behind and start over. No past or history with anyone. No memories anywhere. It would be a chance to reinvent and re-distinguish myself. And everything so new. A place I can just disappear.

No one has preconceived notions of me. And I of no one else. I can truly become and be a new person, the person Ive wanted to be. No longer bound by the expectations those I know have developed and have for me.

To be able to leave thoughts and care of people behind, no longer burdened by the constant thoughts and memories of times changed or relationships lost. To be able to walk down the street and not have to think about that IHOP being your first date. Or that park was your first kiss. To be able to move on without the constant reminders of how good it was or the hopes and expectations you had. 

But most appealing; The opportunity to reinvent myself. I did it when I left Texas and came to Utah. It's about time to do it again. To re-distiguish myself. And not just with the people around me but with myself. A new place, a new Ditto.

I have the soul of a gypsy. All growing up we moved literaly every two-three years for one reason or another. From one home to another, one town to the next. I hated it. But its stuck with me. I can't stay in one place for to long. On my LDS mission, by the second or third month in one city, I was ready to move to the next. Here at BYU, I feel like I need to move to a new house and area of provo every semester. It just gets to a point when I have to leave to change my surroundings . And its not just applicable to my location. I cant stand work that never changes. Im going to need a career that changes from time to time. So no accounting for me ;)

I've been itching to go. To go somewhere new. The gypsy in me is yerning to move on. To find and experiance something new. 

The only thing that keeps me from just going is 1. My friends here. I love them and they mean the world to me. I would do anything for them, literally. And it would kill me to just up and leave them behind. Not to mention I'm a type of person that needs those close relationships, "crave them", my therapist says. And so the idea of losing that is one that scares me. 2. My mother would call the national guard to find me. 

I'm going to do it, journal. This Summer. I'm going to go. I'm going to start over somewhere new. I'm thinking Washington. But maybe New York, like I've always dreamed. Or San Francisco. I don't know! For how long? I don't know! You never know where you'll end up. I'm no where near where I thought I would be just one year ago, much less six months ago!  

"Like I need to go to Crossasia so bad."

Ditto