Welcome back to Provo, UT

Dear journal,

Well, it's been a few months. I even forgot I had this journal for a little bit. So I'd say it's about time for an entry. How about just an update on Ditto?

So a few months ago, back in May-ish. I was in a pretty low place. I was depressed, I was lonely, I was struggling to make ends meet, and I just was not happy. I had done so poorly in school that I was suspended from byu for a full year. I originally looked at that time away from byu to take some time and focus on myself and figuring things out, to get back in a good place. I decided to take an EMT course at a tech college. I did alright, but in the end I decided it wasn't for me. After that, My sister-in-law called me one day and offered me the opportunity to fly out and live with them for a few months and work and save up some money. I took the offer and found myself in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania for the next six months. Where is Waynesboro, PA? Uh, kinda in the middle of no where along the PA-MD border. While I was more than grateful to my brother and sister-in-law, it just wasn't the place for me and I was more than eager to get back to Utah. Now, thats not to say I did not enjoy my time in Waynesboro. I really loved being able to get to know my two nieces and being a part of their lives for a bit. I was working at PacSun, Americas Best as an optician, Coach, and serving at a restaurant. I worked with some awesome people who I really came to love and enjoy. But the area just was not for me and I greatly missed my friends and second home.
After Waynesboro, I was able to go home for the Christmas break! I got to see my long time best friends from home, Mark Webster and Bridget Casterino! Natasha Hakata just didn't plan her time very well and didn't get to see me ;) I love them now and forever and they will always be my closest friends no matter how little we see one another or how long it's been since. While seeing them and family again was great, the best part of my short time home was a boy named Zachary. We started talking and decided to go on a date (within the bounds of the BYU Honor Code, of course). And he quickly became one of my favorite people in the world. He's honestly the most perfect guy I've ever met and had the privilege to spend time with. Zach will always have his claim to the fondest part of my heart! And I will never stop trying to talk Zach into transferring to BYU. Unfortunately, well, more bitter-sweet than unfortunate, the time came for me to return to Provo!
And so here I am. Again at BYU and struggling to keep my grades above failing and balancing everything.  Things aren't the same as when I left. Most all my friends have moved away. So I've been trying to get out and make some new ones. I've switched my major to Public Relations, which I'm excited for. I think I'll excel in P.R. more than I would in Advertising...assuming I get into the program, ha.
And so that is the major events of the last few months and the general update on yours truly.

At some point during all that I like to think I've grown and have changed. Have learned a couple things about myself and life. One thing being, just like the Disney song "let it go" in Frozen says, "It's funny how some distance makes everything seem so small". Mostly, I realized I need to stop focusing on others, no matter how much I love them or how important they are to me, and I need to focus on myself, do whats best for myself, and not always put my friends before me. Because most the time, most of them don't care as much as I do. I still love my friends more than anything and would do anything for them. But I'm done with and over one-sided relationships of any type. I'm willing to go the 90% for anyone, but if they don't even go the 10%, they are not worth my time, energy or emotions. And for me, that realization is a huge burden lifted off me. And even refreshing and in a way, freeing. Over all I've grown for the better. I now know I need to find my happiness in myself and not in others, because when they fall away or leave me hanging, my happiness wont go with them. And thats where I'm at, journal

I'll try to stay up with this, it just really depends on how my timing with classes and homework go. I need to focus on and put school before anything else right now. And I'm no good at that.

Ditto

My happy place

Dear Journal,

I had previously wrote about how I felt as if I had lost some of my friends. I've taken that down, I wrote that while not in a good mood or place.  The truth is that it's just a difficult situation.
I have some of the most amazing friends. I know everyone thinks that. But someone out there has to actually have the most amazing friends, and I'm confident that it's me.

My friends are my world. By friends I mean the ones that I love more than myself and would go up against the world for. I have always treasured my friendships and put them before myself. I would with out hesitation give up anything for them. If I had the worlds greatest opportunity and all I had to do was jump two times, but at the same time one of my friends were in great need, I would tell the opportunity to shove it and tend to my friend. The bond that exist between friends is the most beautiful thing I can imagine. My friends are my most cherished blessings from Heavenly Father. Friends are one's escape from the world. Friends make the world seem so much smaller and as if you have some value. I didn't have friends growing up. When I finally discovered life with some friends, I changed. I saw the world differently, I felt like a better happier person. To have someone that you have a bond with is like nothing else. When your world seems to be going wrong or life is giving you lemons, often times almost rotten one, it's friends that lend you the sugar and anything else you need to make lemonade.
Someone once asked me:
"Where is your happy place, Ditto?"
Everyone gave a place they like to go to back home or somewhere they once traveled.
"My happy place? In the middle of a burning building with no hope of escaping right next to my best friend. At work cleaning the toilets next to a friend. Eating fries at McDonalds because my friend hates Wendys. I'd say at my friends side is my happy place."
I can not begin to explain how deep my love for my friends runs. I know for a fact, I would gladly and readily give my own life for any one of my friends. I give of myself excessively to friends, whether that is reciprocated or not, it matters not.

But when that love and friendship is reciprocated, it is the most incredible euphoria life has. That validation of your friendship, that knowledge that your love and friendship is not over-looked or taken for granted makes life worth living more than anything I can think of.

I have the most amazing friends. Because they do love and care for me. They are there for me when I need them and always putting a smile on my face and stand waiting with sugar and juicer in hand.

To them, I say this: I love you. I love you above all else. And I'm not even exaggerating. Like I wish I could express just what you truly mean to me in my life. You keep me afloat and you fill my life with more meaning than anything ever will. I consider you a blessing from God, and one I do not take for granted and give thanks for in prayer. I will drop anything for you and I will give anything. I don't care if it's been twenty plus years we haven't talked or seen one another. I don't care the distance.  I will be on the next flight out. If you remember only one thing about me; remember this:

I love you. and it's unconditional. 

Sometimes I may seem distant or might even be upset with you. But my love for you will out rank any other thing. You could kill my dog and burn my house down. I may be extremely pissed at you. But I'll be right there helping you get the smell of smoke out of your clothes and making sure you didn't burn yourself.

You are my family.

Sean- You are my brother-from-another-mother for life.
Clayton- You're so good at strategy (and life) it pisses me off.
Mark W.- You're probably the only person I've ever meet that is chiller than myself.
Natasha- You are the kindest most loving person anyone will ever know.
Bridgitte- You so outgoing and a friend everyone you meet.
Daniel- You get me.
Matt- You're extremely thoughtful about life. I enjoy listening to you talk.
Bryan- You're like the perfectly well rounded guy ever and so welcoming.
Carson- You're considerate, understanding, and easy to open up to, knowing no judgement will come.
Meredith- You're super easy to chill with and I'm sure to have a good time with you no matter what.
Chris- Also easy to have a good time with and sure to put a smile on everyones face.
Natalie- You are generous and caring. Always ready to give of yourself.
Stewart- You always have concern for others.
Angie- You've helped more than I can say. You're always there for people and ready with advice.
Mark L.- You're probably one of my most favorite people I have met.
Jordan B.- You are so considerate of others and loving. I will never forget the time we went sledding and you walked me hand in hand across the icy edge of the pond.

Friendship is so important and needs to be nourished and valued above anything else.

Ditto

And this one is a sweet song from ADVENTURE TIME: You are my best friends in the world