Dear journal,
Well, it's been a few months. I even forgot I had this journal for a little bit. So I'd say it's about time for an entry. How about just an update on Ditto?
So a few months ago, back in May-ish. I was in a pretty low place. I was depressed, I was lonely, I was struggling to make ends meet, and I just was not happy. I had done so poorly in school that I was suspended from byu for a full year. I originally looked at that time away from byu to take some time and focus on myself and figuring things out, to get back in a good place. I decided to take an EMT course at a tech college. I did alright, but in the end I decided it wasn't for me. After that, My sister-in-law called me one day and offered me the opportunity to fly out and live with them for a few months and work and save up some money. I took the offer and found myself in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania for the next six months. Where is Waynesboro, PA? Uh, kinda in the middle of no where along the PA-MD border. While I was more than grateful to my brother and sister-in-law, it just wasn't the place for me and I was more than eager to get back to Utah. Now, thats not to say I did not enjoy my time in Waynesboro. I really loved being able to get to know my two nieces and being a part of their lives for a bit. I was working at PacSun, Americas Best as an optician, Coach, and serving at a restaurant. I worked with some awesome people who I really came to love and enjoy. But the area just was not for me and I greatly missed my friends and second home.
After Waynesboro, I was able to go home for the Christmas break! I got to see my long time best friends from home, Mark Webster and Bridget Casterino! Natasha Hakata just didn't plan her time very well and didn't get to see me ;) I love them now and forever and they will always be my closest friends no matter how little we see one another or how long it's been since. While seeing them and family again was great, the best part of my short time home was a boy named Zachary. We started talking and decided to go on a date (within the bounds of the BYU Honor Code, of course). And he quickly became one of my favorite people in the world. He's honestly the most perfect guy I've ever met and had the privilege to spend time with. Zach will always have his claim to the fondest part of my heart! And I will never stop trying to talk Zach into transferring to BYU. Unfortunately, well, more bitter-sweet than unfortunate, the time came for me to return to Provo!
And so here I am. Again at BYU and struggling to keep my grades above failing and balancing everything. Things aren't the same as when I left. Most all my friends have moved away. So I've been trying to get out and make some new ones. I've switched my major to Public Relations, which I'm excited for. I think I'll excel in P.R. more than I would in Advertising...assuming I get into the program, ha.
And so that is the major events of the last few months and the general update on yours truly.
At some point during all that I like to think I've grown and have changed. Have learned a couple things about myself and life. One thing being, just like the Disney song "let it go" in Frozen says, "It's funny how some distance makes everything seem so small". Mostly, I realized I need to stop focusing on others, no matter how much I love them or how important they are to me, and I need to focus on myself, do whats best for myself, and not always put my friends before me. Because most the time, most of them don't care as much as I do. I still love my friends more than anything and would do anything for them. But I'm done with and over one-sided relationships of any type. I'm willing to go the 90% for anyone, but if they don't even go the 10%, they are not worth my time, energy or emotions. And for me, that realization is a huge burden lifted off me. And even refreshing and in a way, freeing. Over all I've grown for the better. I now know I need to find my happiness in myself and not in others, because when they fall away or leave me hanging, my happiness wont go with them. And thats where I'm at, journal
I'll try to stay up with this, it just really depends on how my timing with classes and homework go. I need to focus on and put school before anything else right now. And I'm no good at that.
Ditto
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Building Up
Dear Journal,
Q:Where do you see yourself at age 25?
A: Close to finishing my law degree at NYU Law, if I didn't finish early! And then working for a law firm in New York City!
Q: Married?
A: Of course! I want to get married when I'm about 22 or 23 to whoever the incredible girl is I have been dating for a year or two.
Q: Any kids?
A: Two! Probably not both kids by age 25, ha. But I want at least one by then. I want to have one of my own with my wife and then adopt a child. Some people have like 4 or more kids, but I can not imagine having more than two.
~Interview with myself, freshmen year of high school
Q: Where do you see yourself at age 25?
A: You mean next year...in 9 months? Eff, I don't know! In school, somewhere, hopefully.
Q: Married?
A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Dude, I've never even had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I would love to find someone I fall greatly in love with and settle down. But it's not looking likely ANY time soon.
Q: Any kids?
A: ................like if I knocked some chick up this week, other wise it's not possible. But even then, it's a struggle to provide for myself, much less a little offspring running around.
~Interview with myself, today
Needless to say, my life is nothing remotely close to what I envisioned it to be when I was young and naive. All those "Where do you see yourself" worksheets are crap. What's the quote? "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making plans"? Well, I made my plans and life reared it's bitter-sweet bitch face and here I am; feeling unaccomplished and unsure what to do at this point. I feel like I've come to a standstill and my legs are locked at the knees. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there.
I've tried several directions, none quite working out or even being counter-productive. I've dug a hole. Then I dug another hole thinking I'd use the dirt from that hole to climb out of this one, only to find the more I dig, the more dirt I need to get out. So a couple times I've dug sideways, not going down anymore, but no closer to getting out of the hole, just a different spot.
I continue to make plans but life keeps happening. It's not totally bad. I've learned much while in this hole or that hole and while digging them. I've gained experiences from this and that. And above all, I've learned a shit load about myself. A lot of which I now know needs to change or work on, but also some strengths.
But you know what? I'm down here in this hole. And I'm going to go all Minecraft on its ass. I don't yet have the tools I need to get back to the surface and I'm slightly lost down here, running low on torches. But it's below the surface that you find all the materials needed to build, not only more torches, but bigger and better things on the surface.
So, for the time being, I'll make my home here in this hole of mine. I'll go out and I'll find the materials I need and combine them with the ones I have already. With them, I'll build my home here in this hole. I'll fortify my hole and I'll expand my hole (Get your mind out of the gutter, ya nasty). I do not plan to live here long. Slowly, I will find the materials to build a staircase. And step by step I will make my way out of the hole I've called home. The building I do here will become the foundation for the home I build upon the surface. And that home will be grand. With all that I learn and collect while focusing on my current renovation, I will build a more stable and beautiful home.
I don't know what materials I will find along the way, some are much more rare than others, coming across them only by chance, and I don't know all the tools I may need.
But I figure I'll start with some goals and, as I learned on my mission, make smaller goals that lead to achieving the larger goal. I can't build the house without first collecting the wood and then fashioning the hammer. So my first goal is collecting the wood.
Here are a couple Im striving for:
Get back to school. Even if it's not BYU. I'm looking at UVU right now.
Actually thats my only goal right now.....
I've been thinking about joining the reserves, Air Force, as a way to help pay for it. That's the last resort though.
So with that, I'm off to start my building.
Ditto
Q:Where do you see yourself at age 25?
A: Close to finishing my law degree at NYU Law, if I didn't finish early! And then working for a law firm in New York City!
Q: Married?
A: Of course! I want to get married when I'm about 22 or 23 to whoever the incredible girl is I have been dating for a year or two.
Q: Any kids?
A: Two! Probably not both kids by age 25, ha. But I want at least one by then. I want to have one of my own with my wife and then adopt a child. Some people have like 4 or more kids, but I can not imagine having more than two.
~Interview with myself, freshmen year of high school
Q: Where do you see yourself at age 25?
A: You mean next year...in 9 months? Eff, I don't know! In school, somewhere, hopefully.
Q: Married?
A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Dude, I've never even had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I would love to find someone I fall greatly in love with and settle down. But it's not looking likely ANY time soon.
Q: Any kids?
A: ................like if I knocked some chick up this week, other wise it's not possible. But even then, it's a struggle to provide for myself, much less a little offspring running around.
~Interview with myself, today
Needless to say, my life is nothing remotely close to what I envisioned it to be when I was young and naive. All those "Where do you see yourself" worksheets are crap. What's the quote? "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making plans"? Well, I made my plans and life reared it's bitter-sweet bitch face and here I am; feeling unaccomplished and unsure what to do at this point. I feel like I've come to a standstill and my legs are locked at the knees. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there.
I've tried several directions, none quite working out or even being counter-productive. I've dug a hole. Then I dug another hole thinking I'd use the dirt from that hole to climb out of this one, only to find the more I dig, the more dirt I need to get out. So a couple times I've dug sideways, not going down anymore, but no closer to getting out of the hole, just a different spot.
I continue to make plans but life keeps happening. It's not totally bad. I've learned much while in this hole or that hole and while digging them. I've gained experiences from this and that. And above all, I've learned a shit load about myself. A lot of which I now know needs to change or work on, but also some strengths.
But you know what? I'm down here in this hole. And I'm going to go all Minecraft on its ass. I don't yet have the tools I need to get back to the surface and I'm slightly lost down here, running low on torches. But it's below the surface that you find all the materials needed to build, not only more torches, but bigger and better things on the surface.
So, for the time being, I'll make my home here in this hole of mine. I'll go out and I'll find the materials I need and combine them with the ones I have already. With them, I'll build my home here in this hole. I'll fortify my hole and I'll expand my hole (Get your mind out of the gutter, ya nasty). I do not plan to live here long. Slowly, I will find the materials to build a staircase. And step by step I will make my way out of the hole I've called home. The building I do here will become the foundation for the home I build upon the surface. And that home will be grand. With all that I learn and collect while focusing on my current renovation, I will build a more stable and beautiful home.
I don't know what materials I will find along the way, some are much more rare than others, coming across them only by chance, and I don't know all the tools I may need.
But I figure I'll start with some goals and, as I learned on my mission, make smaller goals that lead to achieving the larger goal. I can't build the house without first collecting the wood and then fashioning the hammer. So my first goal is collecting the wood.
Here are a couple Im striving for:
Get back to school. Even if it's not BYU. I'm looking at UVU right now.
Actually thats my only goal right now.....
I've been thinking about joining the reserves, Air Force, as a way to help pay for it. That's the last resort though.
So with that, I'm off to start my building.
Ditto
Saturday, July 27, 2013
A Deck Of Wilds
Dear Journal,
When I'm playing a game of cards, say like UNO or another game that has 'wild' cards, I find that I hope for a wild card. Every draw or cad dealt, I have that little wish that it'll be a 'wild'. I think to myself, "Please be a wild, please be a wild." I hope for a wild card. I get excited when I draw that wild card. And I plan my hand around the wild card(s). However, 97% of the time after flipping the card over I find it is not the wild I had just pleaded for, the card I needed that would of given me two possible winning hands, but rather some useless three or a King that, yeah I could use, but now I also need a dang Jack or a Queen. And I feel slightly let down. And I repeat the plead for a 'wild' each time my turn comes around; and more turns than not, I draw a slightly disappointing card.
You know what is like drawing cards? Life. Except with life, you're hoping for that three or the King in a deck full of wilds.
Life deals you wild cards all the freaking time. You really never know whats coming next. I mean, four months ago I never would of even imagined I'd be sitting here in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania. When I graduated high school I had planned on being graduated from college by now and close to finishing law school. That was the hand I had planned to build and lay down. But here I sit. Waynesboro, PA, not close to graduating and planning to go into advertising/event planning. Why? Because of life's abundance of wild cards.
I've long been at the conclusion, no one can truly know where they will be in 10 years. Five years, even just one year, is hard enough to predict. Anything could happen. I planned to attend NYU and live in NYC as an attorney and aspired to be a judge one day. Then my turn came to draw and I drew the "become mormon and go to BYU" card. I was okay with that card, it just meant I needed to change my hand up some. Okay, so that wasn't expected, but next turn, I just need a 'graduation card' and then I can focus on getting the 'law school' card.
"Your turn, Ditto."
"Oh, cool. Come on graduation, please graduation, graduation, I just need...." "Dang it! Another wild."
And you go through the game, turn after turn, hoping to draw the one card you need, the one card to complete your hand and move on to phase 5, especially since everyone else seems to be on phase 7 already!
And that's all we can really do. Look at the hand we've been dealt, see what direction we want to go, build our hand as we go, and hope for the three or the King that we would really like to draw that would make the game so much more convenient. All the while life is dealing out the wilds and changing up your hand.
Not to say that you can't control where you go or what you do. Just like in the card game, you can choose to continue to build the hand you originally planned to play, making changes here and there as the cards are drawn. But a lot of times, you have to change your plans and keep playing as the wilds come, inserting your more set cards when you can and try your hardest to make the wilds work in your favor.
But sometimes, you just need to pull that ace out of your sleeve and create your own hand.
Life's wild cards come in all aspects of our lives: work, school, friendships/relationships, personal desires/beliefs, and even as things like natural disasters or the choices of other people. Some of them are great and add to our hand, or our lives, others are disappointing and make our hand more difficult to play.
All you can do is add it to your hand and work with it, hoping your next draw is all the more in your favor.
Ditto
When I'm playing a game of cards, say like UNO or another game that has 'wild' cards, I find that I hope for a wild card. Every draw or cad dealt, I have that little wish that it'll be a 'wild'. I think to myself, "Please be a wild, please be a wild." I hope for a wild card. I get excited when I draw that wild card. And I plan my hand around the wild card(s). However, 97% of the time after flipping the card over I find it is not the wild I had just pleaded for, the card I needed that would of given me two possible winning hands, but rather some useless three or a King that, yeah I could use, but now I also need a dang Jack or a Queen. And I feel slightly let down. And I repeat the plead for a 'wild' each time my turn comes around; and more turns than not, I draw a slightly disappointing card.
You know what is like drawing cards? Life. Except with life, you're hoping for that three or the King in a deck full of wilds.
Life deals you wild cards all the freaking time. You really never know whats coming next. I mean, four months ago I never would of even imagined I'd be sitting here in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania. When I graduated high school I had planned on being graduated from college by now and close to finishing law school. That was the hand I had planned to build and lay down. But here I sit. Waynesboro, PA, not close to graduating and planning to go into advertising/event planning. Why? Because of life's abundance of wild cards.
I've long been at the conclusion, no one can truly know where they will be in 10 years. Five years, even just one year, is hard enough to predict. Anything could happen. I planned to attend NYU and live in NYC as an attorney and aspired to be a judge one day. Then my turn came to draw and I drew the "become mormon and go to BYU" card. I was okay with that card, it just meant I needed to change my hand up some. Okay, so that wasn't expected, but next turn, I just need a 'graduation card' and then I can focus on getting the 'law school' card.
"Your turn, Ditto."
"Oh, cool. Come on graduation, please graduation, graduation, I just need...." "Dang it! Another wild."
And you go through the game, turn after turn, hoping to draw the one card you need, the one card to complete your hand and move on to phase 5, especially since everyone else seems to be on phase 7 already!
And that's all we can really do. Look at the hand we've been dealt, see what direction we want to go, build our hand as we go, and hope for the three or the King that we would really like to draw that would make the game so much more convenient. All the while life is dealing out the wilds and changing up your hand.
Not to say that you can't control where you go or what you do. Just like in the card game, you can choose to continue to build the hand you originally planned to play, making changes here and there as the cards are drawn. But a lot of times, you have to change your plans and keep playing as the wilds come, inserting your more set cards when you can and try your hardest to make the wilds work in your favor.
But sometimes, you just need to pull that ace out of your sleeve and create your own hand.
Life's wild cards come in all aspects of our lives: work, school, friendships/relationships, personal desires/beliefs, and even as things like natural disasters or the choices of other people. Some of them are great and add to our hand, or our lives, others are disappointing and make our hand more difficult to play.
All you can do is add it to your hand and work with it, hoping your next draw is all the more in your favor.
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