Not-so-lonely V-Day

Dear Journal,

I told you in the start not to expect me to write regularly for very long! But I'm back, baby! And on Valentines Day of all days! If you recall from a previous entry (This one here. ),  I said Valentines Day is my favorite holiday. That remains truer than ever! I love the day dedicated to love. Be bitter about it and call it over-rated and commercialism at its finest if that's what you want to do. OR go out and love someone! Show appreciation to a friend or two, your mom or dad, your co-worker who is slightly taken for granted, show a little extra attention to that guy or gal you've been interested in. Show and share some love! It's such a great and unique feeling to know someone thought of you on this day.
I'l give the I've-been-MIA-so-here-is-an-update-on-life entry another time.

For today, today, I want to express some love. Good ol' L-O-V-E. This love is for someone specific though ;). This love is for my  man, Mikeum (My-kum(I know what you're thinking, you nasty)). I would insert a picture of us, BUUUUT as with a lot of LGBT LDS cases, there are some family issues that are working out before he and I go viral. Yes, we are viral cute.

Mikeum and I met via the magic that is Tinder. We chatted for a bit, this and that. Then the jerk blocked me on everything and ignored me for a couple weeks, seemingly out of no where. I KNOOOW, who would do that!? Utah gays, thats who. Anyway, my charm and cunning ways, intrigued him once again and he couldn't resist. We decided to go on a date/discuss church/gay stuff; church stuff being why he blocked me. Needless to say, he got hooked on Ditto. We meet up and went on several more cute as shit dates, like the Zoo Lights. That was a good date. After he got over himself and realized I wasn't trying to play him, cause I "seemed the type" (bitch please), we decided to just make it what it already was and just date. We started a journey together on New Years Eve. Start the new year off with some homo love and family drama; check that off the 2015 Gay Agenda, please. Skip lots of personal stuff, because it's personal-duh, but mostly because I don't want to type that crap up, and here we are today! Mikeum is someone I didn't necessarily see myself falling for at first. I didn't feel that initial click right off. But man has this boy grown on me. I mean, you should see his SUPER SMASH BROS skills. Mad. Kinda a turn on watching him kick some Falco butt. Also his love for Pokemon. I love Pokemon, he loves Pokemon and we both hate any Pokemon after the first generation. A match made in heaven, right!? I mean, yeah, there is a bunch of personality and character stuff too, of course. And those damn blue eyes. Wait till you see them. This is a guy I can see something great with. And that is something incredible.

Anyway, I would write more but his car broke down and he isn't able to come to SLC for the day, so I'm on my way to surprise him with some flowers and a special book in Provo and the train is pulling in so I gotz to bounce.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! 

Ditto

Valentines Day

Dear Journal, 

So Valentines day is my favorite holiday. 

So many people hate it, are bitter about it, or just think it's a dumb fake holiday for companies to make money. And yes, the latter one is rather true. But Valentines day is what you make it, really! 

Why do I love Valentines Day? Because it's the day of love! You can't hate something thats all about love, right!?

I love the idea behind Valentines day. I love that its a day to express and SHOW your love for another. I love love. I a sucker for it. Love for a significant other, love between friends...LOVE!
To be honest. I have never had a significant other, or even so much as a date, on any of the V-days I have lived on. I thought I did last year, but I was just being a fool. And I so very much look forward to the V-day that I do have someone. Because on that Valentines day, I will make that person feel like a mother. fucking. king. They will be the most important person to walk the earths green and blue face. But, I believe that V-day is not only a day to show love to and spoil your lover. No! It's a day to to express love and appreciation to everyone that you love and has a special place in your life. I use the magnificent day that Valentines Day is to let my friends know how special they are to me and that they too have a place in my heart and that I greatly appreciate the role they play in my life. I get them flowers and wright them notes. I make sure they, too, feel loved and know I think about them often. 



So for anyone who hates Valentines day or only despises it when they don't have a special someone to spend it with, I think you should look around and consider all the people you do love and have. Let them know that you love them. That you appreciate them. Make them feel special on this special day set aside for expressing love. 

Freaking love. 

Ditto

Sometimes you wish you hadn't got out of bed.

Dear journal,

I don't want to be one of those "wo is me" writers all the time. But since it's my journal....I do wha I want. I'm generally I happy care-free guy, but these last couple months have been downers.

Today was an awful day. Someone I love and care a great deal for decided to go and cut me out of his life. His reasoning (which it's a very long and complicated story), is what it is. I don't agree with it, nor he agree with mine. It's been a very bitter-sweet roller coaster kinda relationship with him. And I've always known I should leave it be and forget him, for my own sake. But I mean, when you love someone, what you know to be best and what you feel don't always agree. Often times, the heart dominates the brain. This person I love, we haven't been anything for a while other than friends -well- a dysfunctional resemblance of a friendship. Let's just say it was very one-sided, again, I knew this but chose to look past it due to the way I felt. Anyway. Like I said, today our some-kind-of-relationship came to an end. It's kinda devastating. I think about it, and all I feel is great sadness and struggle to comprehend that it's over, I'll probably never see this person I care so much for again. It's very depressing.

So there was that. My day had been fully crapped upon. And it'll probably stink up my whole week.

Aaaaaaaaannnnd then, I realized tonight that I have alienated myself from my friends. Due to another long story, though shorter than the first one, I decided it would be best for me to distance myself from, not my friends, but a particular person and situation, which consequently meant distancing myself from my friends. I felt like it was the best thing to do for myself. I thought I would take time to figure things out and allow myself to really move one and just focus on me. But as time went one, I grew more and more lonely. I wanted more with each day to be with them. But I was convinced, that for my own sake, I needed to be removed. I thought that it would be okay, I thought that they would understand. I thought that when I felt i was ready, I would be able to go back to them and it would be like it was before I had to leave them. But I seem to have been wrong. I feel a distance between them and myself. I feel no longer like i'm a part of that group. I know they would disagree and say I'm still one of them and I know I am. But theres still that feeling of....not the same. And it's my fault. I did this to myself. I distanced myself from them and in that time a distance grew between us.
But what really vomited on top of my crapped on day was that I found out some of them decided to live together. Now normally thats whatever. But one of the guys they are moving in with, the long story guy......IDK how to word it. Basically, I'm butt hurt and upset about it. I feel like I introduced him to everyone, stuff happens, everyone starts to love the hell out of him, I go away, they all become butt-buddies and BFF's for life and decide to live together and I'm left feeling like I'm on the outside looking in and getting all sad and shit cause no one thought to ask me to live with them.

But it's all whatever. I'm probably to effing sensitive to this crap. Such is life. I'll get over it and be back at square one. The problem is my dwelling mind that drags this mess out and refuses to let me just get over it. But I always eventually get over it.

So yeah, today emotionally blew. I'm working on not caring about anything, considering both long story #1 and long story #2 told me to "just stop" caring.

So.....WHATEVER.

Ditto

My happy place

Dear Journal,

I had previously wrote about how I felt as if I had lost some of my friends. I've taken that down, I wrote that while not in a good mood or place.  The truth is that it's just a difficult situation.
I have some of the most amazing friends. I know everyone thinks that. But someone out there has to actually have the most amazing friends, and I'm confident that it's me.

My friends are my world. By friends I mean the ones that I love more than myself and would go up against the world for. I have always treasured my friendships and put them before myself. I would with out hesitation give up anything for them. If I had the worlds greatest opportunity and all I had to do was jump two times, but at the same time one of my friends were in great need, I would tell the opportunity to shove it and tend to my friend. The bond that exist between friends is the most beautiful thing I can imagine. My friends are my most cherished blessings from Heavenly Father. Friends are one's escape from the world. Friends make the world seem so much smaller and as if you have some value. I didn't have friends growing up. When I finally discovered life with some friends, I changed. I saw the world differently, I felt like a better happier person. To have someone that you have a bond with is like nothing else. When your world seems to be going wrong or life is giving you lemons, often times almost rotten one, it's friends that lend you the sugar and anything else you need to make lemonade.
Someone once asked me:
"Where is your happy place, Ditto?"
Everyone gave a place they like to go to back home or somewhere they once traveled.
"My happy place? In the middle of a burning building with no hope of escaping right next to my best friend. At work cleaning the toilets next to a friend. Eating fries at McDonalds because my friend hates Wendys. I'd say at my friends side is my happy place."
I can not begin to explain how deep my love for my friends runs. I know for a fact, I would gladly and readily give my own life for any one of my friends. I give of myself excessively to friends, whether that is reciprocated or not, it matters not.

But when that love and friendship is reciprocated, it is the most incredible euphoria life has. That validation of your friendship, that knowledge that your love and friendship is not over-looked or taken for granted makes life worth living more than anything I can think of.

I have the most amazing friends. Because they do love and care for me. They are there for me when I need them and always putting a smile on my face and stand waiting with sugar and juicer in hand.

To them, I say this: I love you. I love you above all else. And I'm not even exaggerating. Like I wish I could express just what you truly mean to me in my life. You keep me afloat and you fill my life with more meaning than anything ever will. I consider you a blessing from God, and one I do not take for granted and give thanks for in prayer. I will drop anything for you and I will give anything. I don't care if it's been twenty plus years we haven't talked or seen one another. I don't care the distance.  I will be on the next flight out. If you remember only one thing about me; remember this:

I love you. and it's unconditional. 

Sometimes I may seem distant or might even be upset with you. But my love for you will out rank any other thing. You could kill my dog and burn my house down. I may be extremely pissed at you. But I'll be right there helping you get the smell of smoke out of your clothes and making sure you didn't burn yourself.

You are my family.

Sean- You are my brother-from-another-mother for life.
Clayton- You're so good at strategy (and life) it pisses me off.
Mark W.- You're probably the only person I've ever meet that is chiller than myself.
Natasha- You are the kindest most loving person anyone will ever know.
Bridgitte- You so outgoing and a friend everyone you meet.
Daniel- You get me.
Matt- You're extremely thoughtful about life. I enjoy listening to you talk.
Bryan- You're like the perfectly well rounded guy ever and so welcoming.
Carson- You're considerate, understanding, and easy to open up to, knowing no judgement will come.
Meredith- You're super easy to chill with and I'm sure to have a good time with you no matter what.
Chris- Also easy to have a good time with and sure to put a smile on everyones face.
Natalie- You are generous and caring. Always ready to give of yourself.
Stewart- You always have concern for others.
Angie- You've helped more than I can say. You're always there for people and ready with advice.
Mark L.- You're probably one of my most favorite people I have met.
Jordan B.- You are so considerate of others and loving. I will never forget the time we went sledding and you walked me hand in hand across the icy edge of the pond.

Friendship is so important and needs to be nourished and valued above anything else.

Ditto

And this one is a sweet song from ADVENTURE TIME: You are my best friends in the world

Equality is well on it's way

Dear journal,

Today is a special day. The Supreme court began reviewing prop 8 and DOMA! If they get overturned,  the "same-sex"marriage debate will be over!

I woke up this morning and quickly turned on my computer to check in on the status of the rulings and all the stuff going on around it. While watching and seeing all the support on Facebook, twitter, and the speeches given in D.C., I started crying.  I was so happy and excited! I AM so happy and excited! Things are changing. The majority of the people are in favor of "same-sex" marriage. I could go off on all these thoughts and feeling about the topic. But for now, I am just so elated and beyond words excited.

I wore red today and my Facebook and the internet were blowing up red. Today in My EMT class several of the students asked me about my button, resembling this picture.

And it opened up a great discussion about the Supreme court cases and marriage equality. Which also lead to being gay and mormon. But it was an awesome discussion. The whole class was super cool and supportive. Haha, in fact, I think I may have become a little more popular with them all, haha. 

One day. I will marry a boy named Jake. And I will not have to worry about which state I live in. I will not need to worry about any legal issues should a death between us happen or any other legal crap. We will be able to live happily. As man and man.

This is a wonderful time.


Live updates

Ditto

I am Scott Zackery Ditto. Ditto to most.

Dear Journal,

This being my journal and writing about my life and thoughts and all that junk, there's something you'd need to know to better know me and understand me. Something that is a large part of my life and a big part of what makes me...me, And yet it's not. Its just another little insignificant part of me that makes me who I am.

I, Scott Zackery Ditto, am bisexual.

I sometimes just say gay, cause it's easier to explain and people can comprehend that better than the vague therm that is "bi". So what does that mean? It means I am sexually AND romantically attracted to male and female humans. I've concluded that I am 70-80% gay and 30-20% straight (depending on the day). Meaning, I am more attracted to males and a wider variety of males, than I am to females.

Now that you understand that, lets talk about it. Some of you may be surprised and some of you may not be so surprised, and then some of you already know. And I know that some of you may have questions or thoughts. I would love to answer them and discuss anything with you. Just ask.

The first question I usually get is: "But you're Mormon"

Yes, I am Mormon! And I know the current doctrine and the current position The LDS Church has on homosexuality. However. I also know that just because I am gay, does not mean the church is not true. I continue to have faith in my religion and will always continue to have that faith. Even if I were to be excommunicated one day, I would still attend church on Sundays and practice my LDS beliefs. How do I reconcile my faith and my sexual orientation? Simple. I do not believe there is anything to reconcile. I can not believe homosexuality is in any way hated by Heavenly Father. If it is, he is not the all loving and inclusive God I have come to know and love. I have three main reasons I believe this and have full faith in. But those are for a future entry. (Here is the future entry.)

Next comes: "If you're bi, why don't you just date/marry girls"
Who knows maybe I will. The way it is for me is I like and fall in love with who I like and fall in love with. If I happen to meet a fine young lady that I love and marry first, so be it! But if I meet a fine young gentleman that I love and marry first, all the same! Either way, I know I will be happy and fulfilled.

There are lots of questions and I have my answers, so if you have some, ask away. But I don't want this to be a super long entry ;)

Now that you know.....now what? What happens? What changes? How should you react, treat me, or think of me?

Nothing happens. Nothing changes. You react like you just found out I like the color green (which I do). You treat me as you always have. And you think kindly and loving of me. If anything, you think of me as brave and strong.
Why brave and strong? Because thats what it takes to be any kind of gay in this world. And even more of it to "come out" to people. I am 100% confident in my sexuality. I have no issues with being gay; socially, religiously, or personally. But to sit down, look your mother in the face after twenty three years of hearing that being gay is a sin and is disgusting from your family, your friends, leaders, role models, and preachers, is the most un-nerving, emotionally racking, and scariest thing someone will ever do. It takes courage to be gay in our world. To walk down the street holding hands with the person you love and hear someone on the other side of the street yell out at you "Fucking Fagots" and to still hold your head high. To listen to your best friends discuss how gross gay guys are and how they would beat them up if one ever hit on them. Or to go to church. To go to church, a place you seek for upliftment and guidance, and have to  listen to the preacher give a sermon on the great abomination that you are and that you are never going to go to heaven. No, you will go to hell and burn. Because God, the one being who you should be able to turn to for unconditional love hates you.
Yes. Think of me and every other homosexual person as brave and strong.

Why "Come out"?
I've never even thought about coming out until recently. I didn't feel it was something I needed to do or should have to do. The only time I brought it up or told anyone was if it was relevant to the conversation/situation or important for someone to know. I wasn't closeted but I wasn't "out" either.
I decided to "come out" for a few reasons. First. Because I can not stand to be just sit back anymore and watch/listen to the hate and stupidity of people towards homosexuals anymore.  I mean watch this video and tell me that is what God wants. Which is the bigger abomination to God: Me loving a man or people hating, condemning, and killing people in the name of God because they love the same sex? I "came out" because I want to be a voice for myself and fellow homo's. I want to help change the way people view homosexuals. And it has to start with myself. Second. I want to be open and honest with all the people I know and love. It's a part of who I am. To truly know me and love me, you must truly know me. Third, while I haven't treated it as a secret and am in no way ashamed of being bisexual, it is a big burden lifted to say it and for people to know.

I am the same person I have been. I am Scott Zackery Ditto. I am bisexual. I am a son, a brother, a friend. I am white. American. 5'11. I'm Mormon. A student at BYU. More a liberal than anything else. I love Chinese food. I get shy in large groups. I love people and give the benefit of the doubt to a fault. I cry when I see the dark side of people. I also cry watching Lilo and Sticth. I love dogs.

Ditto

John 13:34

Dear journal,

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am and the things I stand for. Usually, I am super moderate on most things. I often see and understand things from both sides and accept that there is never just the one way and that both (or all 74) ways have their pros and cons. But there is one thing that stands out to me above all things when I think about what I stand for. I stand for love. Of course I think most people do. But it for me it is the thing I will fight for. I would protest for. I would dedicate my time and life to. Above all things I stand for love.

When I say love, I don't simply mean the common understanding of love which is something that two people share when they have a special connection or the bonds of family. The love I mean is acceptance. This love is tolerance. Respect. It's loving your fellow human the way Christ intended when he told us to love. Loving someone no matter race, sex, sexual orientation, religion or lack of, abortion beliefs, or political views, ethnicity, or citizenship. The love I stand for is all this and so much more.

Nothing bothers me more in this world than the evident lack of this love. When my grandfather calls a man from the middle east a "Sand nigger" with the tone of disdain. When a white man speaks of a mexican man or black man as if he is some how less of a human than he is. When the student behind me in class claims that if he ever found out his brother was a homosexual he would beat it out of him. While driving through the Chick-fil-a drive-tru my friends mother remarks how much of an idiot the lady is because she got the drink order wrong and probably is a high school drop out. Or on the much larger scales; of nations going to war because of race or religion, homosexuals being refused marriage rights, and the Ugandan government attempting to pass a law that allows for the legal killing of homosexuals. Anything, racist, sexist, or that does not show respect, tolerance, or acceptance of any other individual. It is one of the few things that angers me. That makes me feel disgust and disdain. It's something that I just will never be able to comprehend; how can anyone feel any of these things towards another person?
I'm not innocent of cracking mexican or black jokes. I've laughed at "your mammas so fat" statements. And I have an issue with cross-dressers and sex-changes. However, I don't genuinely believe or mean any of them. I believe finding the humor in the stereotypes. I mean, people didn't just pull the stereotypes out their butts, they come from a smidgin of truth. And I still have complete respect and tolerance for those who chose to have a sex change. But its when the line is crossed that it becomes that lack of love. When the jokes are no longer simply a joke.

My mother says when I was born I cried furiously and the nurse told her I was mad at the world. I'm not mad at it, I understand we are all human. I am just greatly disappointed in it.

 I stand for love and I will dedicate my life to encouraging it. I will forever fiercely fight hate.

Ditto

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." -Christ