Not-so-lonely V-Day

Dear Journal,

I told you in the start not to expect me to write regularly for very long! But I'm back, baby! And on Valentines Day of all days! If you recall from a previous entry (This one here. ),  I said Valentines Day is my favorite holiday. That remains truer than ever! I love the day dedicated to love. Be bitter about it and call it over-rated and commercialism at its finest if that's what you want to do. OR go out and love someone! Show appreciation to a friend or two, your mom or dad, your co-worker who is slightly taken for granted, show a little extra attention to that guy or gal you've been interested in. Show and share some love! It's such a great and unique feeling to know someone thought of you on this day.
I'l give the I've-been-MIA-so-here-is-an-update-on-life entry another time.

For today, today, I want to express some love. Good ol' L-O-V-E. This love is for someone specific though ;). This love is for my  man, Mikeum (My-kum(I know what you're thinking, you nasty)). I would insert a picture of us, BUUUUT as with a lot of LGBT LDS cases, there are some family issues that are working out before he and I go viral. Yes, we are viral cute.

Mikeum and I met via the magic that is Tinder. We chatted for a bit, this and that. Then the jerk blocked me on everything and ignored me for a couple weeks, seemingly out of no where. I KNOOOW, who would do that!? Utah gays, thats who. Anyway, my charm and cunning ways, intrigued him once again and he couldn't resist. We decided to go on a date/discuss church/gay stuff; church stuff being why he blocked me. Needless to say, he got hooked on Ditto. We meet up and went on several more cute as shit dates, like the Zoo Lights. That was a good date. After he got over himself and realized I wasn't trying to play him, cause I "seemed the type" (bitch please), we decided to just make it what it already was and just date. We started a journey together on New Years Eve. Start the new year off with some homo love and family drama; check that off the 2015 Gay Agenda, please. Skip lots of personal stuff, because it's personal-duh, but mostly because I don't want to type that crap up, and here we are today! Mikeum is someone I didn't necessarily see myself falling for at first. I didn't feel that initial click right off. But man has this boy grown on me. I mean, you should see his SUPER SMASH BROS skills. Mad. Kinda a turn on watching him kick some Falco butt. Also his love for Pokemon. I love Pokemon, he loves Pokemon and we both hate any Pokemon after the first generation. A match made in heaven, right!? I mean, yeah, there is a bunch of personality and character stuff too, of course. And those damn blue eyes. Wait till you see them. This is a guy I can see something great with. And that is something incredible.

Anyway, I would write more but his car broke down and he isn't able to come to SLC for the day, so I'm on my way to surprise him with some flowers and a special book in Provo and the train is pulling in so I gotz to bounce.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! 

Ditto

The Lone Wolf

Dear journal,

So, I've come to the conclusion that no matter how social I've become, how "cool" of I guy I get, and no matter how much effort I make (or try not to make) I will never be part of the crowd or group.  All through high school I was the loner. I was in that weird place where I wasn't un-cool or someone people didn't like, but I wasn't cool enough to be included in the various clicks either. So I sat in between the many groups of people and was always left on my own in the end. Alone at lunch. Alone at recess. Alone on the weekends. Just always alone. People would talk to me or hang out with me now and then. And if I were on the verge of making a regular friend, it didn't last long before I was left alone again. I was always just more of an acquaintance for people than a friend.
Often times people say I should have been more outgoing or that some how I was choosing to be a loner. But you tell me, what teenager in high school WANTS or CHOOSES to be alone with no real friends, to not be a part of some group. NONE. Loners aren't loners for the fun of it. Hell, there is no fun in being a loner. You come back to school on Monday and hear about how everyone had such a fantastic weekend with their BFF's and how they did this or that and your sitting there wishing more than anything you had a BFF to just go to a movie with or sit with at the lunch table. Even the damn band nerds had each other. Loners are loners the same reason someone is "a cool kid" or a "loser", because 1. it's just who they are and 2. their circumstances. I wasn't a loser but I wasn't cool either. How do you even change that!?
Anyway. I thought after high school I had evolved and was no longer a loner. I had friends and was always doing fun stuff with them. People were calling me, THEY called ME, people WANTED to hang out with me. I had successful changed myself from "loner" to someone people enjoyed being around and even wanted to be around.

Finally, I was a "cool guy"! But man, was I ever wrong.

None of that lasted. As it always had in the past, those relationships were fleeting. I had somehow slipped back into that cursed position of "the loner"; to cool to ignore or label a loser, but not cool enough to hang.  Despite my efforts to be someone people like and want to call a friend, I was still on my own.

Even today. I find a group of amazing people I'm cool for a blazing moment and then that blaze fizzles out and I'm squeezed to the background, I become "oh Ditto, yeah, he's a cool guy", time after time.  I once again have to listen to how wonderful a weekend was with everyone or told that they are going to be busy with another "cool" person.

I mean, eff, it's even the pattern my relationships follow.  Im amazing and a great guy for two weeks and then before I know it, I was some fling. Dropped like a hot potato.


So what have I come to figure? I'm destined to be a lone wolf. If I could change it I would, but I'm apparently a loner by nature and that bitch wants it to stay that way.

But that's cool. I like me. Sometimes I even crack myself up and can entertain the hell out of myself. But every once in a while, my week is made by that one invite, or that one "how are you" text. I think it keeps me from feeling forgotten. Which is a legit fear of mine (it's a real thing look it up).

So, I challenge you. Think of someone right now. Someone that you like but dont make a lot of effort to reach out to. And invite them to lunch or a night out. Maybe even just text them and chat for a bit. I promise, you'll make all the difference in their day. 

Well, this loner has to go to work.

The Lone Wolf

* This is not a wo me entry.

Valentines Day

Dear Journal, 

So Valentines day is my favorite holiday. 

So many people hate it, are bitter about it, or just think it's a dumb fake holiday for companies to make money. And yes, the latter one is rather true. But Valentines day is what you make it, really! 

Why do I love Valentines Day? Because it's the day of love! You can't hate something thats all about love, right!?

I love the idea behind Valentines day. I love that its a day to express and SHOW your love for another. I love love. I a sucker for it. Love for a significant other, love between friends...LOVE!
To be honest. I have never had a significant other, or even so much as a date, on any of the V-days I have lived on. I thought I did last year, but I was just being a fool. And I so very much look forward to the V-day that I do have someone. Because on that Valentines day, I will make that person feel like a mother. fucking. king. They will be the most important person to walk the earths green and blue face. But, I believe that V-day is not only a day to show love to and spoil your lover. No! It's a day to to express love and appreciation to everyone that you love and has a special place in your life. I use the magnificent day that Valentines Day is to let my friends know how special they are to me and that they too have a place in my heart and that I greatly appreciate the role they play in my life. I get them flowers and wright them notes. I make sure they, too, feel loved and know I think about them often. 



So for anyone who hates Valentines day or only despises it when they don't have a special someone to spend it with, I think you should look around and consider all the people you do love and have. Let them know that you love them. That you appreciate them. Make them feel special on this special day set aside for expressing love. 

Freaking love. 

Ditto

Welcome back to Provo, UT

Dear journal,

Well, it's been a few months. I even forgot I had this journal for a little bit. So I'd say it's about time for an entry. How about just an update on Ditto?

So a few months ago, back in May-ish. I was in a pretty low place. I was depressed, I was lonely, I was struggling to make ends meet, and I just was not happy. I had done so poorly in school that I was suspended from byu for a full year. I originally looked at that time away from byu to take some time and focus on myself and figuring things out, to get back in a good place. I decided to take an EMT course at a tech college. I did alright, but in the end I decided it wasn't for me. After that, My sister-in-law called me one day and offered me the opportunity to fly out and live with them for a few months and work and save up some money. I took the offer and found myself in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania for the next six months. Where is Waynesboro, PA? Uh, kinda in the middle of no where along the PA-MD border. While I was more than grateful to my brother and sister-in-law, it just wasn't the place for me and I was more than eager to get back to Utah. Now, thats not to say I did not enjoy my time in Waynesboro. I really loved being able to get to know my two nieces and being a part of their lives for a bit. I was working at PacSun, Americas Best as an optician, Coach, and serving at a restaurant. I worked with some awesome people who I really came to love and enjoy. But the area just was not for me and I greatly missed my friends and second home.
After Waynesboro, I was able to go home for the Christmas break! I got to see my long time best friends from home, Mark Webster and Bridget Casterino! Natasha Hakata just didn't plan her time very well and didn't get to see me ;) I love them now and forever and they will always be my closest friends no matter how little we see one another or how long it's been since. While seeing them and family again was great, the best part of my short time home was a boy named Zachary. We started talking and decided to go on a date (within the bounds of the BYU Honor Code, of course). And he quickly became one of my favorite people in the world. He's honestly the most perfect guy I've ever met and had the privilege to spend time with. Zach will always have his claim to the fondest part of my heart! And I will never stop trying to talk Zach into transferring to BYU. Unfortunately, well, more bitter-sweet than unfortunate, the time came for me to return to Provo!
And so here I am. Again at BYU and struggling to keep my grades above failing and balancing everything.  Things aren't the same as when I left. Most all my friends have moved away. So I've been trying to get out and make some new ones. I've switched my major to Public Relations, which I'm excited for. I think I'll excel in P.R. more than I would in Advertising...assuming I get into the program, ha.
And so that is the major events of the last few months and the general update on yours truly.

At some point during all that I like to think I've grown and have changed. Have learned a couple things about myself and life. One thing being, just like the Disney song "let it go" in Frozen says, "It's funny how some distance makes everything seem so small". Mostly, I realized I need to stop focusing on others, no matter how much I love them or how important they are to me, and I need to focus on myself, do whats best for myself, and not always put my friends before me. Because most the time, most of them don't care as much as I do. I still love my friends more than anything and would do anything for them. But I'm done with and over one-sided relationships of any type. I'm willing to go the 90% for anyone, but if they don't even go the 10%, they are not worth my time, energy or emotions. And for me, that realization is a huge burden lifted off me. And even refreshing and in a way, freeing. Over all I've grown for the better. I now know I need to find my happiness in myself and not in others, because when they fall away or leave me hanging, my happiness wont go with them. And thats where I'm at, journal

I'll try to stay up with this, it just really depends on how my timing with classes and homework go. I need to focus on and put school before anything else right now. And I'm no good at that.

Ditto

Who said gods are sexually active?

Dear Journal,

Recently I had a roommate, out of curiosity, ask me questions about being homosexual and mormon. Which, I'm always happy to discuss with people!

One of his questions was (paraphrased); "But what about after this life, when we are creating our own spirit children, two people of the same sex wouldn't be able to do that?"

I mean it's a good question. We know that after this life at some point, assuming we lived to meet the requirements and did all that was needed, we will become as god and start creating our own spirit children and what-nots. So how could a gay god or goddess couple create these spirits?

Well. My response to this is; Who said God is having sex and heavenly mother is popping out little ones left and right? Cause let's be honest, to create all of us that way, all due respect, heavenly father must be poppin the blue pill non-stop and heavenly mother constantly baking some buns in the oven.

Here in Moses 3:5, the lord tells us he created all things spiritually before they were physical.  The key word here is CREATE. As gods we CREATE spirit children. We do not birth spirit children. And that extends to things such as planets. I would hate to think Heavenly Mother had to push all these massive planets out....

Not to mention that Heavenly father didn't really CREATE us. We learn from D&C 93:29 and Abraham 3:22 that we existed as intelligences, even with God, that were "not created or made, neither indeed can be". But that God in fact organized us as intelligences. And it is the organizing that I can only assume is the creating part. 

My point is this: We do not know how God created us. We do not know how we will in turn create more children when we ourselves are gods. So to try and argue that homosexuality is not natural or ordained by God or that "things will be worked out the right way in heaven" by saying that a man and a man or a woman and a woman will not be able to CREATE spirit children is, simply and bluntly, idiotic of the individual. They are assuming that God has sex with his goddess and she births a child. And you know what they say about assuming (it makes you look like an ass).

So yes, I do believe and have full faith that if I marry another male, and if we live worthily of obtaining godhood, that me and my man will create worlds a plenty with beautiful spirit children running around with tails and/or playing with their soul animals. Cause in my worlds, everyone gets a tail and the Golden Compass is real.

Also, my god name will be Zoltron.


Ditto

Building Up

Dear Journal,

Q:Where do you see yourself at age 25?
A: Close to finishing my law degree at NYU Law, if I didn't finish early! And then working for a law firm in New York City!

Q: Married?
A: Of course! I want to get married when I'm about 22 or 23 to whoever the incredible girl is I have been dating for a year or two.

Q: Any kids?
A: Two! Probably not both kids by age 25, ha. But I want at least one by then. I want to have one of my own with my wife and then adopt a child. Some people have like 4 or more kids, but I can not imagine having more than two.

                                                          ~Interview with myself, freshmen year of high school 

Q: Where do you see yourself at age 25?
A: You mean next year...in 9 months? Eff, I don't know! In school, somewhere, hopefully.

Q: Married?
A: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Dude, I've never even had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I would love to find someone I fall greatly in love with and settle down. But it's not looking likely ANY time soon.

Q: Any kids?
A: ................like if I knocked some chick up this week, other wise it's not possible. But even then, it's a struggle to provide for myself, much less a little offspring running around.

                                                           ~Interview with myself, today

Needless to say, my life is nothing remotely close to what I envisioned it to be when I was young and naive. All those "Where do you see yourself" worksheets are crap. What's the quote? "Life is what happens to you when you are busy making plans"? Well, I made my plans and life reared it's bitter-sweet bitch face and here I am; feeling unaccomplished and unsure what to do at this point. I feel like I've come to a standstill and my legs are locked at the knees. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there.
I've tried several directions, none quite working out or even being counter-productive. I've dug a hole. Then I dug another hole thinking I'd use the dirt from that hole to climb out of this one, only to find the more I dig, the more dirt I need to get out. So a couple times I've dug sideways, not going down anymore, but no closer to getting out of the hole, just a different spot.
I continue to make plans but life keeps happening. It's not totally bad. I've learned much while in this hole or that hole and while digging them. I've gained experiences from this and that. And above all, I've learned a shit load about myself. A lot of which I now know needs to change or work on, but also some strengths.

But you know what? I'm down here in this hole. And I'm going to go all Minecraft on its ass. I don't yet have the tools I need to get back to the surface and I'm slightly lost down here, running low on torches. But it's below the surface that you find all the materials needed to build, not only more torches, but bigger and better things on the surface.
So, for the time being, I'll make my home here in this hole of mine. I'll go out and I'll find the materials I need and combine them with the ones I have already. With them, I'll build my home here in this hole. I'll fortify my hole and I'll expand my hole (Get your mind out of the gutter, ya nasty). I do not plan to live here long. Slowly, I will find the materials to build a staircase. And step by step I will make my way out of the hole I've called home. The building I do here will become the foundation for the home I build upon the surface. And that home will be grand. With all that I learn and collect while focusing on my current renovation, I will build a more stable and beautiful home.

I don't know what materials I will find along the way, some are much more rare than others, coming across them only by chance, and I don't know all the tools I may need.

But I figure I'll start with some goals and, as I learned on my mission, make smaller goals that lead to achieving the larger goal. I can't build the house without first collecting the wood and then fashioning the hammer. So my first goal is collecting the wood.

Here are a couple Im striving for:

Get back to school. Even if it's not BYU. I'm looking at UVU right now.

Actually thats my only goal right now.....

I've been thinking about joining the reserves, Air Force, as a way to help pay for it. That's the last resort though.

So with that, I'm off to start my building.

Ditto

A Deck Of Wilds

Dear Journal,

When I'm playing a game of cards, say like UNO or another game that has 'wild' cards, I find that I hope for a wild card. Every draw or cad dealt, I have that little wish that it'll be a 'wild'. I think to myself, "Please be a wild, please be a wild." I hope for a wild card. I get excited when I draw that wild card. And I plan my hand around the wild card(s). However, 97% of the time after flipping the card over I find it is not the wild I had just pleaded for, the card I needed that would of given me two possible winning hands, but rather some useless three or a King that, yeah I could use, but now I also need a dang Jack or a Queen. And I feel slightly let down. And I repeat the plead for a 'wild' each time my turn comes around; and more turns than not, I draw a slightly disappointing card.


You know what is like drawing cards? Life. Except with life, you're hoping for that three or the King in a deck full of wilds.

Life deals you wild cards all the freaking time. You really never know whats coming next. I mean, four months ago I never would of even imagined I'd be sitting here in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania. When I graduated high school I had planned on being graduated from college by now and close to finishing law school. That was the hand I had planned to build and lay down. But here I sit. Waynesboro, PA, not close to graduating and planning to go into advertising/event planning. Why? Because of life's abundance of wild cards.

I've long been at the conclusion, no one can truly know where they will be in 10 years. Five years, even just one year, is hard enough to predict. Anything could happen. I planned to attend NYU and live in NYC as an attorney and aspired to be a judge one day. Then my turn came to draw and I drew the "become mormon and go to BYU" card. I was okay with that card, it just meant I needed to change my hand up some. Okay, so that wasn't expected, but next turn, I just need a 'graduation card' and then I can focus on getting the 'law school' card.

"Your turn, Ditto."

"Oh, cool. Come on graduation, please graduation, graduation, I just need...." "Dang it! Another wild."

And you go through the game, turn after turn, hoping to draw the one card you need, the one card to complete your hand and move on to phase 5, especially since everyone else seems to be on phase 7 already!

And that's all we can really do. Look at the hand we've been dealt, see what direction we want to go, build our hand as we go, and hope for the three or the King that we would really like to draw that would make the game so much more convenient. All the while life is dealing out the wilds and changing up your hand.

Not to say that you can't control where you go or what you do. Just like in the card game, you can choose to continue to build the hand you originally planned to play, making changes here and there as the cards are drawn. But a lot of times, you have to change your plans and keep playing as the wilds come, inserting your more set cards when you can and try your hardest to make the wilds work in your favor.

But sometimes, you just need to pull that ace out of your sleeve and create your own hand.

Life's wild cards come in all aspects of our lives: work, school, friendships/relationships, personal desires/beliefs, and even as things like natural disasters or the choices of other people.  Some of them are great and add to our hand, or our lives, others are disappointing and make our hand more difficult to play.

All you can do is add it to your hand and work with it, hoping your next draw is all the more in your favor.

Ditto

Restarting

Dear Journal,

I did it. I didn't go to washington, but I still did it, I just went. I packed up and got the hell out of Provo. The plan is to be away till at least December. But only time will tell how long I will stay. Till I feel good about going back I guess. Till memories can fade and I can stop caring so much.

But in the mean time, this is my time to restart things. I don't want to start over. I just want to restart things. I see how that sounds like the same thing, starting over and restarting. But the difference is starting over implies all new, the intention to change things and do it differently. While restarting implies nothing will be new or undone, but just gives you the chance to refresh and try again. I probably did a terrible job at explaining the difference or you may not see it as two different meanings. But That's how I see it, and it being my journal, that's what it is.

This is my time to be able to completely move on from things and situations and people that I left behind. Time for me to sit back and examine myself. To examine what Me, Myself, and I want out of the next 5 years, 10 years, and just out of my life. I'm getting scared of the future, it's not looking bright for me at this point. I haven't done my best or given it my all. And it's time for me to re-focus myself and get determined. I refuse to not have a bright future. I didn't make it this far and over come circumstances to just be mediocre. I am Scott Zackery Ditto and I plan to live up to who I am, who I know I will be. I've been being stupid and losing sight of me. I've been putting too many others before myself and to no avail.

Waynesboro, Pennsylvania. This is where I will restart, examine, and re-focus. This is where I leave things to the past and focus on the current. I'm not in Provo, UT anymore and neither will be my thoughts.

It's been a rough start. I don't know anyone out here, no friends. I've meet a few people but all to far to see regularly. I even met a guy that seems to be genuinely interested in me, which is something new for me. But it has it's complications and I have my insecurities. Just another thing to work on resetting. There aren't as many work opportunities as I was hoping there'd be. I've started working part-time at PACSUN, which is my favorite clothing store, so I'm excited for that! Also, I'm going to be planning some traveling and road-trips while I'm out here on the east coast. I can go check out D.C., Baltimore, Philly and Pittsburgh. Also some other cool things like Hershey Park and Gettysburg, PA. But the most exciting one, that I'm thrilled more than anything about, is the chance to go to NYC! NYC is my dream and it's only 4 hours away! (And don't you dare try to explain to me why NYC isn't all that great or what people make it out to be. I'm not so naive as to think it's some perfect city. It's a city and like every city has it's dirty, dangerous, and unattractive side. But it's a city and like every city it has it culture and it's diversity and its beauty with endless opportunities and life. Pet-Peeve of mine: People trying to diminish my grand view of NYC. It's the best place on earth, bitches, so shut it.) I don't have much to do, anywhere to go, or anyone to see. I've been bored out of my mind like never before.

I miss my friends and the familiarity of Utah. I miss meeting people and making a new friend every time I turn the conner. I miss walking every where. But this, to get away, is what I need and what is best for me at this point. I need to restart. I know I will find what is here for me. If there was nothing here for me, then I wouldn't have ended up here. I look forward to returning to Provo and my familiar life there. But I hope that it will not be so familiar. If it is, I failed my time here in Waynesboro. I look forward to returning to Provo, but Provo for now is history and I'm too busy getting caught up in my present and working towards my future. If that includes Provo again, is yet to be known.

I am Scott Zackery Ditto, restarted.

Ditto

P.S. I still need to write out Reason 3, I haven't forgotten. I just haven't been in the writing mood of late.